i got thoughts

My experience at TEDx Dubai

2011-12-27T21:22:00.006+04:00

Yah I spoke at TED.

I speak of it like I’m so cool and blaze now, like ‘oh yeh, I passed by Dubai Trade Center and dropped some serious opinion on 1000 people and then grabbed drinks with my friends’, but it was very much on my every single thought for about 3 months.

This is what happened,

A friend of mine (silent shout out whaaaat) clued me into the fact that TEDx Dubai would be opening up entries to speakers from the community, and that I should totally apply. She’d seen me present and thought that Dubai was ready for a 90% bullshit and charm, 10% interesting rant by and indian guy with very basic vocabulary and gang signs galore.

So I put together a talk based on a funny theory I had and pitched it in a one-minute video.

I had a broad idea of what I was gonna talk about: met a girl, made her up to be a goddess, got my heart broken, got obsessed, tried likening it to my work life so I could extend the pain I had become masochistically addicted to, all while still servicing my clients that I love and that shouldn’t get rid of me despite me using the time they’d paid for to write up strategies to get her back.

But I was far from ready.

I mean, I’ve spoken in front of big crowds before (largest was like 100, sadly I apparently made too many jokes that time and it could have offended some people, I stress on the ‘could’ because I thought they appreciated it, and I think that we sometimes forget that clients are also humans and that they can appreciate fun being poked at them and their backwards perceptions. Shit I did it again. I love you.).

I’d even spoken when lots was on the line (my agency still lets me go to pitches and represent an entire department, despite my abysmal conversion rate. Fact: of all the pitches I’ve worked on, we’ve won 2, lost like 3, had no response like 4 times and even seen the company shut down once. They crazy).

And I’d even been on stage a few times (French school will put you through drama class, I once auditioned for a play I quickly dropped out of, ‘cuz showtime wasn’t getting the shine showtime deserved’ – I was like 15, and also participated in a talent show. Oh the scars of French education… no wonder I spent my university years eating, skipping class and in my mom’s car cruising around – life has barely changed).

But like I said, this was a whole other challenge.

First off, I had 60 seconds to express a point. Click above, to previous posts, receive an SMS from me, listen to me trying to explain how I like my McDonald’s and realize that getting me to be concise is the most difficult thing in the world.

So I wrote it down. Learnt it. And forgot it. Freestyled it. And got by.

Then came to campaigning for myself. i had to get people to ‘like’ my video.

It was cute the first day, as I told a few close friends to hit up the link, heard their surprised voices and got them to click. But by day 2 it was all out war. We were a leading pack of 4 who had already broken 100 votes or so, and it was just the start.

So, my boss sent out a mass email to the agency. I posted it on facebook. Got some awesome people to push for me, made some threats, had some cookies baked…

And then we were 2 in the lead.

But the other guy was on fire. (he had a great story. He was a big guy with a shaved head covered in tattoos. And his talk was about… being a big guy with a shaved head covered in tattoos. Thank god for a computer’s copy-paste function there. The world needs a sarcasm font). So I called in the big guns.

My mom, and her network that she had built over the years in our living room through luncheons and tea parties and whatever other obscure rituals involve strategically placed digestive cookies.

Top agency guys around the region, so they could use their 2-line titles to get other agency peeps to vote.

Estranged ex-girlfriends, facebook friends I had added because they were in a marketing group with me or people whom I had to strategically befriend to get in with their hot friend/sister. Tough task.

And it went OK. Most people were great about it. Lots of people surprised me with their genuine love and support. Others really disappointed me either because they did nothing and in one case because they acted like total haters trying to get people to un-like my video and vote for the other dude. That guy is a penis (funny, grammatically the last sentence leaves the ‘that guy’ and his identity kinda vague. People rarely see how witty I can be, I hope you did). But that’s OK.

So lots of stuff happened, there was like 3 weeks of campaigning, stress, refreshing, scouting, planning, begging, bartering, encouragement from my personal mafia… and I finished second.

The score was 5,500 to 1,600. Close by no means, but a real testament to how many real-life people cared enough to see me reach my objective and get on stage.

So they took both of us.

And I was over the moon. For like 2 hours.

Then I was like oh, shit. What have I gotten myself into? These people expect me to talk?

So I turned to some people whom I trust quite a bit bouncing ideas off them, reworking some flow issues, working in some new ideas and simply stressing. I got great help, from the patience of a few, to the honest opinions of others to the radical changes and help from my boss, all while staying true to my dream of exposing my passive and lackluster love life to the rest of Dubai.

And the guys at TEDx Dubai were dope too. They had us rehearse on the 2 weekends before the show, helping me with logistics and the format itself. It was all very encouraging. They’d say stuff like: ‘you’re doin’ good! Would be great if everyone were as prepared as you…’

Great encouragement as I worked at learning the entire thing

Then came the last weekend.

At the final rehearsal, Natascia from the TED team, smilingly, mentioned to me:

Oh hey, you’ve been great in rehearsals, but don’t forget that they’ll be filming you and that this will basically go down in YouTube immortality.

I had flashes of my children streaming my video, being googled before a first date, people dropping nasty comments, grad schools checking it out. Was great for morale.

The day of the set up was awesome. Dubai Trade Center is such a massive place, the team was working really hard, and the opportunity to see something that I had attended and loved the previous year from a production point of view was very humbling.

Then came the day of the presentation.

The crowd was buzzing. Well mostly cuz by the time I got there with my entourage (sister and close friends in charge of checking for extreme sweating and trembling), the party had already started. But it’s the middle east and we show up late everywhere. The event had an awesome vibe as everyone is genuinely engaged at the conference, with opinions, new innovative ideas and cool haircuts.

The day started off with a bang, Illac Diaz’s bottle of light and Chris C’s talk about becoming a very capable and functioning paraplegic brought the crowd (royalty included), to their feet. And rightfully so.

Then there was a talk by a Christian Boer who basically cured his own dyslexia (WOW), and Maria Conceicao ’ inspiring and extremely charming story about how she will basically save Bangladesh and step on anyone in her way. She is awesome. Give her all your money.

So I was in good company, with other talks that made sure we had a good mix of stories and opinions that made the day extremely enriching.

I was kinda concerned cuz I was the last to speak, but most of the crowd surprisingly stuck around and lots of new faces joined the crowd (my parents included!).

So I followed mr. tattoo, who for some reason called me out and put some not so nice words in my mouth while his 15 minutes of fame on the TED stage, but whatevs…

And it was glorious.

I used an iPad stand, which I ended up forgetting there! And looked technologically advanced as hell.

I sketched out my entire love life and very coveted seduction strategy (which has basically never worked in its purest form) and got the crowd laughing at my expense.

I then switched over to my beloved powerpoint and coasted through a cute presentation about what we can learn, as people who are in the business of convincing, from my heartbreak.

It was short, it was sweet, and it went by like a blur. I remember being up there looking at familiar faces, wondering what we were going to do that night, seeing smiles and laughs, wanting to savor every moment, scared to fuck up.

I felt great, and comfortable.

Then I got off stage, to see my stunned parents, who had never seen me speak publicly and apparently who had no idea I even knew how to do it. I got great praise from a public speaking coach, a few photo ops with super ambitious and inspiring Bangladeshi kids, a ton of compliments, hugs, business cards and some funny conversations.

In a precursor to the fiasco that will be my wedding, my mother had me do every possible pose for pics on the TED stage, with the massive logo, without, surrounded, posing, smiling, serious… you get it.

And then I finally went home, surrounded by what had become my entourage, for a quick shower, and drinks.

After that I waited like 1 month to see my YouTube video. To relive it and see what I missed. I only watched it once. With my boss and colleagues, who basically helped me move it from being good, to great.

Today I’m a pretty lucky kid looking back on 2011, having been able to accomplish, with lots of help, something amazing that I sat up dreaming about, wanting so badly.

The greatest moment was hearing the reaction from friends and family who had hustled, woken up extremely early on the day of and clapped all over the world as they streamed it live. It was truly humbling.

for a few minutes i was famous. Totally should have milked that more. I am amazed that more dubai bouncers don’t know who I am, because that would be the ultimate win for me.

Maybe next time I speak to 1000 people on stage i can impress them. Assholes. Please let me in.

People ask me who the girl was, and if I got her. I actually came across her in the 3 weeks while I was rehearsing, which made things really funny.

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

fire me.

2011-01-29T10:20:00.010+04:00

i've mentioned in pretty much every post since i started this blog how much i love my job, the people i work with, etc etc

but one thing that must be noted is that it's not perfect. far from it.

besides the fact that our managing director once called for a meeting to tell us that we had picked a career, that no matter what we did, would never earn us enough money to buy a yacht. (the guy probably wanted to get a laugh out of the crowd and use some seemingly outlandsih objective to kind of get the crowd warmed up to what ended up being good news - bonuses or something small scale :) ... little did he know i was brought up by rappers, mtv cribs and VISA... telling me i was not going to ever be able to get a yacht just made me wonder where the most updated version of my CV was...)

what the last 3 years at my agency have taught me is that you can't be passionately in love everyday (that has nothing to do with the recent influx of hot women - who were perhaps brought in as compensation for the bleak outlook on my tod's-without-socks-linen-from-head-to-toe-caviar-and-perrier-on-the-helipad dreams)...

some days you're flying high from one presentation that just made the whole team more famous and will be sent all over the world to people whose full name and title you just have to know to get your clients aroused (but wouldn't Yan Frenkel in the global office in Geneva like this concept?), to a crisp and clean brief (4 lines that make you want to grab your mighty mouse and keyboard by the end of the 3rd ) and making it out the door at 6:05 pm for sushi, a shit movie and some laughs.

and sometimes you're in a meeting debating the location and size of a logo way past your bed time, simply because some tenacious douche needs to justify his presence, or sees the gaps in your sense of self worth by the mere fact that you are still there talking about the location and size of a logo on a visual past your bed time.

those are the days when your clothes lose their shape, since you body temperature has been fluctuating all day, you eat the most junk food (cuz it's the only thing that a)loves you back , b)is open at this time, c)gives you the feeling that today wasn't a TOTAL waste and could still get an honorable mention in your memoirs - because that's how we should live... does today make the memoirs cut? )... they're the days when you fall out of love.

just for a moment... but it happens.

the below was written on one of those off days. when you ask yourself why things are the way they are. why we can't move forward, why no one is doing what i want (my parents spoiled me to a point where i have to tell people i'm opinionated, not sulking to get my way at the age of 26)...

i'm pretty sure it was after a chain of highbrow conversations about what was wrong with the process, the client, briefs, client servicing, creatives and the industry (a speciality amongst planners - we're very good at shitting everywhere apart for on ourselves - i mean, look at my blog). it was probably written out of frustration on my end, for not being able to keep up, not having the patience (i zone out when it's not about me, or naked women, preferably me and naked women...) ...

but now that i've sobered up from the rage that came from a meeting with lots of people who 'think' - about thinking, and don't do much, and i re-read it, i still agree with the main premise that so many 'strategists' (not just planners, but all brand guardians) keep us away from clarity and success.

good thing it was never published though, just like my last 3 attempts.

don't fire me. i'm quite fond of cash.

Fire me.

I’m serious.

For the love of brands, please get rid of the planners on your roster. Well, all but one.

Because, as agencies stock up on planners, strategists and big talkers, I think we already have too many cooks in the kitchen.

At Leo Burnett we live by HumanKind, the belief that brands must hold a higher purpose in people’s minds to truly change the way they behave towards them. To work our way towards finding a brand’s Purpose, we hold HumanKind workshops with our clients and main brand stakeholders over the course of 2 days. We strongly feel it’s the best way to develop something relevant and realistic enough for the brand to live by. It’s also great to get opinions from all sides of the business and brand, and immediate buy-in from all involved, so we can, hopefully, avoid sales vs. marketing, advertising vs. media etc. battles that do their fair share of preventing brands from behaving strategically, let alone successfully. One of the exercises in these sessions, is looking at brand success stories from other industries. The moderator asks participants to think of their favorite brands, or most influential/disruptive leaders, take apart their philosophies and see how they could help in addressing the issues our own brand faces.

9 out of 10 times, we end up with the usual suspects: Nike, Apple or Virgin, and as uninspiring a proposition as it may be to hear the same 3 names dropped at every session, it does say a lot about the strategy behind great brands.

Those brands pop up first in people’s minds for two reasons:

Þ First, because they are consumers, they are more or less exposed to the communication in general (because let’s face it, only ad people type in: cool advert into YouTube at odd hours of the night and have the patience to sit through an award winner for toothpaste in thailand), more or less aware of product benefits for all industries and therefore somewhat sheep-like in their allegiance to brands.

Þ Second, because as workshop participants, they are asked to complete a task in a rather short amount of time. They need to find a brand that each person in their group and audience knows and understands, and break it down into pieces. And as mentioned above, there are only so many brands that everyone knows and somewhat understand.

That can be attributed to the simple fact that each of those brands can be summarized into one tagline, one theme, one idea. An idea, clearly defined based on strategic thinking, developed through consistent messaging delivery and relevance.

The issue is, in our world of over-thought-marketing, each and every specialized agency/partner/collective has a way of doing things and retainer to justify. So we find ourselves with brand keys, pyramids, funnels, maps, axis’s and charts to fill in that take us to different places in different mediums. This leads to separate briefs and a mess of disjointed work, that is only seen and discussed after the fact at quarterly meetings, that only with the most progressive of clients. Worst of all, in this scenario the luxury of overview and responsibility of brand communication stewardship lies in the hands of one person: the client. A marketer, who believe it or not, has many more tasks to tend to than dealing with their communication agencies, and let’s face it, may or may not be the most equipped to steer the brand out of anonymity and into workshop-name-dropping fame.

If that last dig at marketers doesn’t get me fired, I don’t know what will. But at least that’s one less guy trying to push his Kool-Aid onto the group of brand guardians, one less guy scheduling meetings to talk about meetings where we may decide which attribute between trustworthy and aspirational will be the pivot for our brand infographic and one less guy pulling the brand away from the holy grail: a singular idea people understand/care about.

The rise of the man-child

2010-11-27T20:09:00.002+04:00

Perhaps this is how I justify my demeanor, or perhaps this is to shed light on a growing demographic, but I present myself to you as the spokesperson for man-children everywhere. A generation coming into its own post mega-recession, defined by Napster, Facebook, Jackass, the Blair witch project, the dotcom bubble, the Asian stock market crash and 9/11. A group oblivious to the ‘New Kids on the Block’ and only vaguely familiar with fax machines.

We are a group that grew up in the most decadent and prosperous of times, with timetables for when we would become millionaires, since reaching that goal was a foregone conclusion. We watched Disney cartoons with happy endings, were loyal to the happy meal when all you got was a toy and that was enough, and brought the music, print and ad industries to their knees.

We, the Britney/Backstreet generation, had it good; but today it’s all gone.

We realize it was all bought with fake money, mortgaged resources and a whole bunch of illusions, but deep down we don’t want to accept it. We not-so-secretly-anymore do what we can to revisit those days, all the time. We’re actively stretching our adolescence and all things that make us nostalgic for better times in this harsh world, so that they remain an integral part of our lifestyles.

We’ve grown the video game industry worldwide to a game of high stakes and 600$ entry cost, we’re bringing old superheroes back into our cultural fabric and are feeding an entire industry of retro tributes from sneakers to tape-deck inspired iPod accessories. Our wishes remain our demands, as companies have had to develop product lines to get to the stash of cash we keep for true pleasures, knowing that the ultra-persuasive 10 year old inside us wakes up and gets to work every time he hears the X-Men theme song.

We’ve also affected the way brands speak in public, demanding less political correctness, perfection and sense. Axe’s utopian view of mating, Diesel’s ‘BE STUPID’ and the Old Spice guy’s ridiculous train of thought speak directly to our playful and immature sides looking simply to be entertained for a few moments, until it’s time to eat and be tucked into bed.
We’ve turned the last generation’s ‘The Simpson’s’ into ‘Family Guy’, ‘Friends’ into ‘How I Met Your Mother’, ‘E.R.’ into ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Matlock’ into ‘CSI’, because we’ll scream and shout until things are the way we like them. We’ve grown up in a world of peer to peer, LOLs and ‘making of's', so it's only natural that we no longer relate to the idealistic and rehearsed, making ads of heir-to-steel-fortunes with perfect builds pointing to the sky the ultimate turn off.

We need brands that speak to us, as man-children, even if they’re trying to sell us a minivan and the adulthood that comes with it. Because we’ve realized, albeit the hard way that ‘we want it that way’. We refuse to grow up and simply ask you, nicely, to come play with the man-children disguised as heavy-hitter consumers with grown-up jobs and disposable incomes, simply looking for a few more toys for boys.

The last time you pitched was the last time you pitched

2010-11-24T18:19:00.001+04:00

brands that tell you you're not good enough

2010-11-16T14:26:00.003+04:00

i haven't blogged in months, because i tried concentrating on my job and writing through more official channels. that didn't work out, and understandably so, because most of the stuff i wrote was blog style (ie. not good enough :( ... ). So i'm putting it up here so it doesn't go to waste... they were all written between August and September, and i would have liked for them to appear in Communicate or Campaign or something like that....

I recently met the woman of my dreams.

I think I may have even talked myself into falling in love with her.
It was magical. And one-sided. But magical nonetheless.

Perhaps it was how amazing I had made her out to be in my head or how unavailable I assumed she was, but it seemed as though the perceived distance between us, that I filled with images of our glorious future together, made me want her more and more as time went on. I could tell you about our amazing make-believe love story I had to tell myself to be able to sleep at night and put up with unanswered SMS-es, but my single status on facebook tells the rest of the story quite concisely.

So why have I just opened up to the entire GCC ad industry that I have yet to make my name in?
Well first I hope she leaves her super-athlete-heir-to-a-steel-fortune boyfriend upon reading this public confession, but also because what I went through then, the feeling of rejection, opened my eyes to the power a 'want' could have over my behavior. And we as an industry are very much in the business of 'wants’ and their effect on human behavior.

Wants are not to be confused with needs. Needs are basic. See them at the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid and know that they hold the key to your survival and existence. Wants are luxuries in relation to needs. They are driven by the heart and not the mind, irrationally, obsessively, to the point that you would go embarrass yourself in a trade magazine to obtain them. Our beautifully crafted TV spots, brand acts and radio ads have the mandate to create burning feelings of ‘want’ that grab consumers by their insides and don’t let them go until they fork over the cash and make the product the communication romanticizes, theirs. In basic terms, necessity and want dictate behavior and we do what we do because we want what we want.

So considering our role is to change behavior in favor of those who pay our retainer fees, it may be best to understand its basic drivers. For that, Skinner’s operant conditioning is a good start.
I want you to do something specific, you want your reward. I teach you, through trial and error, that of all behaviors, if you are to have this specific one, then you will get the reward you desire so. Everyone’s a winner.
I’ve been able to control your behavior, and you get what you want.
To put it in an equation, it’s quite simple. 1+1=2 your level of desire shoots up until you quench your thirst by simply executing what is asked of you.
That’s the (positive reinforcement) model we all know. Go to the shop, do the dance, become a loyalty card holder, show up on a Friday, whatever they ask of you and get 20% off on that thing you want so.
Linear. Simple. Predictable.

But, as the spoilt brats we were growing up realized quite quickly, that model loses its appeal. You get the concept so it becomes mundane. It lacks the lust factor that gives you the thrill of the chase, a necessity for our now advertising-and-promise-numbed neurons.
That’s why, in our business of creating behaviors that our clients swoop in to reward, we could play off the flipside of how Skinner taught behavior: through punishment. It may just be time we withhold the goods.

It’s time to make consumers suffer, see their missed calls and do nothing about them, ignore the confessions of love on their blogs, and make them feel downright worthless.

Well, at least for a while.

Because there is value in the postponing of pleasure, in the journey towards earning it, in the stories we make up for ourselves when we realize we can’t have them, and ultimately, in the management of behavior.
One thing is for sure, ‘not being able to have’ has a profound effect on how we re-act: it’s polarizing. On the one hand, it can make your heart race and mind wander and on the other it can totally turn you off. One thing is for sure, giving a person such a challenge does not leave them indifferent.

Ask any woman on the waiting list for the Hermes Birkin about her unwavering passion for the brand, the places she can already see herself holding the bag, the friends she’ll show up by bringing it along to a lunch, despite being told that her 12 000 dollars is not good enough. Well not right now. And not for the next 2 years or so.

Ask Microsoft PC users how they felt when Apple drew a line in the sand with the Mac vs. PC ads, when Apple told them it didn’t need them. That it was doing well on its own and had other options, consumers who were even more devoted to it, that made it self-sufficient and the furthest thing from insecure.

Ask women shopping for European fashion designers that don’t make anything bigger than a French large also known as an American small.

The 'Ummmm... sorry buddy, keep trying' approach either put them off completely or gave them the hunger to want to belong. The technique works for many other categories, they make it very clear you can’t just buy into what they sell. It’s something you may have to earn, or simply be good enough for. Only a brand that arrogant and aggressive (I’d say engaging), could catch the eye of those who’ve seen it all and are typically one credit card away from any product where the purchase process is as simple as 1+1=2. It’s feeling so unarmed in the face of a worthy opponent that wakes up the animal instincts in a consumer. An unpredictable thrill money can’t buy.

Some may say there is a major risk in this method, that of ultimate turn off. When the consumer takes the message for its face value, doesn’t believe in fairytales and just gives up on what could be true love. I’d contend, that this reaction is better than the blank, unimpressed look of ‘oh, were you just talking at me?’ consumers looking for a thrill give our products with our ‘hey buy me, I love you, you should love me’ approach.
That game is too easy.
As a person it obviously takes more twists and turns to get me hooked, I need stimulation and feedback, even if it’s ‘buzz off, you’re not good enough’ from a stunning woman who embodies everything that’s right in this world. And as a consumer, I don’t 'want' to buy some down to earth brand, I 'want' a brand that says something, even if that something has to be buzz off. I’ve got enough down to earth in my world, right here, thank you very much and I expect coupons for that uninspiring stuff.
I need to be pushed around a bit; because I’ll get over the game of give and take I had to go through to get what I wanted but will always appreciate it that much more.

In the end, it’s about finding the right audience, one willing to withstand the game of pleasure and pain that allow Hermes to have massive waiting lists, that give Apple users a feeling of superiority and make every woman squeezing into French designer couture feel a sense of accomplishment no ‘nice guy from down the street’ brand could ever give them.

So what’s to say a brand shouldn’t say ‘buzz off consumer, you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy of this…’ knowing the potential ‘want’ effect it would have on the behavior of us lesser beings?
Not that we should cast away all those who are willing to buy our products, but perhaps that we should have some dignity of our own, act a little less insecure and behave as if we have options or at least a sense of self worth.

Because apparently that’s what consumers and stunning women respond to.

2010-07-17T09:12:00.001+04:00

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

communication at the world cup

2010-07-10T09:01:00.012+04:00

no, this is not a rant about the atrocious ads running at the world cup.

i mean to come up with such boring stuff on such a stage is bizarre.

but you know, it's always easy to shit on other people's work, but we all know what we go through to even get an ad out. there's compromise, giving up and even giving in. So the Pepsi meerkats and Hyundai beach ball are fine. i guess.

this post is actually about the communication in the world cup itself. like in games. on field level.

because this last month has been a learning experience,

a crash course in how footballers from around the world communicate with one another. and the refs.

because imagine, there are 32 teams in the tournament, composed of players that play regular seasons all over the world, with referees that may or may not be from a neighboring culture.

i'm sure it's a mess down there.

they probably speak english (was that close minded and north american of me? but everyone loves cheeseburgers and freedom right?!? right?!?)...

but as i realized in french highschool and gujrati (yup that's the indian dialect my parents speak at me and i use with my grandparents) family meals, you can't always get your emotions out when speaking a language that is not your first.

so they compensate with globally alligned and understood (well partially to the north-american brought up) hand gestures.

and i think i've got them all down.

you have 3 main categories, which ironically fit the footballer identity pyramid (that's right i'm dropping a flowchart on you bitchez at this point):

football duh... otherwise they'd just be a bunch of weirdos who clock into normal jobs with one name. imagine having just one name and not being a famous footballer. and being at passport control. (hey i'm the juan, i'd like to enter your country... wtf)
euro and here i use euro for many reasons... first to emphasize the fact that europeans are 'unique' , but also as a push for euro to be the new 'gay'. because, i can admit that i am one of the immature majority that uses the word gay to say something is not cool or too our liking, but i know that i am not speaking about someone who likes a person from their own sex. oh and can we switch nigga to ninja? would make the world a funner place. so i propose euro or homo (come on, give us that one gay people, it just works so well in 'no homo', can't give it up... and who really wants to be referred to as homo? that's so euro... see? it works)
human/animal because sometimes shit just gets real on the field.

this is how they fit:

football... :

hand in the air: hey man pass me the ball.
pointing towards the net: yo shoot the ball homie. we gonna win this super exciting ping pong match when one of the 5 shots all game goes in.
pull my shirt off: i just scored and want to go a bit crazy (this can lead to euro behavior... will get back to that)
passing the ball around for the whole first half of the most anticipated match of the tournament as germany runs after us: tv money? check. sponsor money? check. making it far enough in the tournament to not get food thrown at us when we get back home? check. so let's take it easy, cuz they can't score if we just hold on to the ball. we'll deal with any sort of excitement later.

euro:

slap on butt: hey dawg, you been working out? see you in the showers. OR good job. nice kick. nice save. nice play. see you in the showers.
head caress: shit you lookin 'good dawg. new hairstyle?
thumbs up: i am OK. i just thought i would look dorky and ruhtarded all at once.
open hand: we have yet to develop language or surf the intranet where i come from but, i am OK. i just thought i would look dorky and ruhtarded all at once.
grazing the under-chin with back of hand: go f yourself. straight up. because i'm running the football show here and you're stealing my thunder/killin my buzz. i got fancy footwork and only a whole hour and a half to attempt it.
look of total surprise at a yellow card after ripping every tendon in the leg of the guy you just jumped: oh myyyyy. that's not allowed? but this is what i do all day everyday since the lat 25 years and the 3 simple rules of this game have been drilled into my skull sicne day one, i also take time to teach the rules to children at my charity football camp, AND I STILL DON'T GET IT!!!
standing before a free kick, legs spread apart: shit dawgs, immabout to write the future. or. i been running a lot, my balls need air. who knows really, jury's out on that one.
helping hand to get you to stand up: i just tried to end your career, but i'm a UN youth ambassador and that gets me the elusive NGO-loving-open-minded-experimental-hippie booty. and I WILL NOT give that up because you want to be a bitch about this.
spit at camera/opposing player: i am very conscious of medieval acts of disrespect and thought i would bring them back like cargo pants. if i had a glove i would throw it at you and challenge you to a duel. because bitch i don't like you.
on-field-in-game-stretching: hold my leg dawg, i need my fix. or. i can't move, that asshole just tried to rip the insides of my leg to get the ball. and we're still like 100 feet from the net.

human/animal:

rolling around holding of the leg: i realize this sport is prehistoric in the sense that it has no instant replay, that refs play way too big a roll in the result of the match, and that i can act like a total dick and possibly change the outcome in my team's favor. i'm an asshole. or (very low probability) my tendons are ripped see you at Brazil 2014.
screaming in agony that you can even hear over the vuvuzelas and weird british commentary (notice how all commentators basically use the 90 minutes of a game to put together just one massive run-on sentence? and i would know what I'm talkign about! it's like they're waiting for something good to happen so they can finish their thought and be like: told you so! was just building up to it.): i may or may not be in pain. please stop the game and send a swat team with a stretcher to find out.
holding of the face on pitch: bring the superjuice spraaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!
holding of the ankle on pitch: bring the superjuice spraaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!
holding of private parts on pitch: bring the superjuice spraaaaaaayyyyyy!!!! (possible euro variable here... they're shifty these footballers)

the worst part is that videogames have these very same reactions, simply proving how fake they have become but sadly also confirming that they are part of a game which has become extremely euro.

good thing i only have to get involved every 2 years or so. you know, being the proud owner of a european passport.

(interns and) consumers shit on your powerpoint.

2010-06-12T11:08:00.007+04:00

in case i haven't made it clear in the past, i work as a strategic planner at a dubai agency that's known for being lebanese, but is awesome nonetheless. :)

and as is the case every year (i've been through this three times now), summer brings with it intern season.

a bag of extremes. either a bunch of super enthusiastic youngsters who will do anything just to learn something new or get involved, or a group of people looking to populate their CVs and facebook friends lists.

whatever the case, there are always a few things they have in common.

first, they come in with a certain idea of what working in advertising entails (this is corrected 100% of the time, but not always in a negative way)
second, they start off with bitch work and hate their lives, but learn to love it (as we all did), and more importantly plug themselves into interesting projects/tasks/company vodka-fests.
and lastly, without fail, they want to know what the planning department does.

the department with a disproportionate amount of square meters/person, where people go to hang out, where the briefs come out from, where those 3 guys who do the weird presentations in their jeans sit.

and i've been tasked with answering that question since day one.

in explaining it to anyone who was willing to listen to me and my obsession with getting into the department, my parents who wonder if i still have a chance at being taken seriously in the corporate world, clients when they look at the fees on my time, and the famous interns.

so, as i always do when posed with a question i have to answer to people with varying levels of enthusiasm/understanding/interest in my strategically (if i do say so myself) placed jokes/smirks at hot audience members: i'm making a powerpoint presentation about it.

and yes, i will cover that we go through/conduct research, represent consumers in the debates that lead to the creation of ads, facilitate brainstorms, help in writing briefs, help in spreading best practices throughout the agency/client list, support in new business efforts etc...

but they're probably going to remember one thing and one thing only:

we make pretty powerpoints.

and i can't blame them. most people in the agency also only remember that one thing.

and despite the fact that i've got those slide animations on lock down and my formatting skills are a result of being trained by the most crazy and perfectionist of the bunch... it's got nothing to do with the fact that the presentation they will see in about 3 weeks about planning will wow them with the choice of colors, fonts and fade-thru-blacks.

it's going to be because, in the end, no matter how we decide to add value to our/a client's business, it's pretty much summarized in a powerpoint, or variation of the same.

unsexy to say the least.

but only if you look at it that way.

these powerpoints summarize the thoughts of an agency.

an entity tasked with solving your business issue, creatively, most of the time through communication and sometimes with a cardboard sleeve for your pack of cheese.

ok, ok, i know cardboard is communication too :) i haven't completely forgotten what got me into the job either.

our elaborate presentations, with rationales, moodbaords and vox pops summarize 'our strategy'.

as much as you would like us to skip through to the jpegs/ads, mr. client.

and i love that i refer to it as strategy and that it says the same thing on my business card. it's like NASA/CIA shit.

awesome way to sound interesting with tha ladies.

'strategy' is tackling main issues of perception, broken down into easy-to-tackle challenges, with key buzzwords and metrics to make everyone in the marketing department's dick hard.

(yes i just made reference to sexual arousal there. why? because this is a blog and i can! in the end it's the ultimate measure of success.)

and if you're 'lucky' enough to have me as your planner, you get it all in a flow chart from hell with different color boxes, a timeline and some witty lines.

that's what you get when you see a powerpoint: a plan of attack for ideal execution towards becoming the bestest brand ever.

and i think we could reach that goal in an ideal situation, if all went as (strategically. of course) planned. because we do our best to back up each point/recommendation.

buuuut, the world ain't so perfect.

(this would be the best place to drop in the: oh my god, consumers are faced with 35,000 ads a day, and then the famous youtube videos/propaganda about social media as the marketing messiah)

the truth is:

NO ONE ever sees the teaser, reveal, viral, print, microsite, shelf strip, tv ad, facebook group, iphone app AND sms.

on that note: how have we (and my agency is so fucking guilty of this) managed to make radio and SMS advertising so disgusting? blog post to follow on this.

NO ONE is ever subjected to the entire campaign. the entire body of content. the entire strategy. the entire powerpoint.

and it's only normal.

people have other things to do.

and unless they are like me and spent their adolescence looking up Nike ads, they don't give a fuck.

which doesn't mean we shouldn't tell a story at different touchpoints, or build iconic value in every form of media, or stand for something of substance in people's minds,

it just means it'll take longer. and that consistency, excellence in execution, clear strategy. messaging and having a distinctive voice (things an ad agency actually delivers on), are key.

so, considering consumers will only come across one of: your out-of-this-world-awesome-tvc,

amazing-ambient-work, smart-collaborations, fun-out-of-home-stuff...

please make sure it's interesting and builds on the brand's long term strategy/flowchart.

which can be conveniently found in a powerpoint .

on shady business in the UAE

2010-03-29T23:42:00.010+04:00

the title alone must have my white friends loving it.

and normally i would be pushing my counter-racism agenda (because it's the white people that deserve a little bit of a hard time. and if you feel any sort of sympathy just pass by an english bar in dubai arrrouuund 7:30 pm, they're already obnoxious by then. i, on the other hand choose to get incoherent around 11:30pm cuz i'm classy), but in this case they win.

because the whole story starts with the time i went to get my blackberry souped-up.

basically i think all these trends reports i've been doing for saudi youth and luxury clients have brainwashed me into wanting to bling my life to the point where i needed to turn my blackberry white. like a paradox of style. i'm deep like that.

so i, like the typical asimilated brown kid that i am, went to the mall and bought a cover from a kiosk. i found some good shit at about 40$ and managed to bargain down to 30$, you know just to feel like i still had it (you know those street smarts i honed in the rich jewish neighborhood i grew up in, in Montreal, the most sheltered of cities in north america). obviously i was ripped off. it's like i have a 'fuck me' sign on my forehead when i go up to my fellow indian kiosk vendorman and bust out into my american accent, asking to make my perfectly fine phone flashier so i can get girls' attention.

but whatever, on the spot it felt fair and the potential at finally speaking to a pretty girl was just too valuable to pass up. so i splurged. i just went crazy and bought me the whole kit to make my phone look white and apple-like/incredibly girly.

now i'm holding the phone, my credit card, still warm from their rather high tech setup for a kart that sells 'made it china' crocks of shit (oh my god spoiler alert: in case it was unclear up untill now this story ends with ali feeling like a moron), and the new cover, smiling like a champion. thinking i was on the cusp of impressing the nearest teenager.

without thinking so far as the whole installation process. (this is the real me by the way. i try my bestest to hide it when in client meetings/interviews/first dates, but my ACTUAL client track record, mediocre career outlook and single streak should confirm that i am socially challenged and not a forward thinker).

so i ask, 'when you gonna put it on?'

and this is where the frustration i have become famous for (and that this blog serves to defuse), begins to mount.

'we cannot sir', the guy says with the typical non chalant head bob us indian people are known for. (no need to sugar coat shit here, we can all agree it is the most irritating thing ever when things aren't going your way... or when you can't understand what the guy just said and you were banking on body language to get you out of that one)

what the f?, i say (i was in a phase where i realized i cursed alot, so i decided to say F instead of fuck... and then i realized i sounded like a total idiot... but again, like mentioned above, those epiphanies take me a while) ...

and then comes the clash of cultures stand off where you get pissed off and start rambling in english, using big words, vague concepts like honor, ethics, consumers rights...

and what you get is an iron-clad wall of: we cannot. sir, not possible.

FRAGMENTS of sentences clearly designed to pop veins in your head.

suddenly, the guy who spoke fluent english and was selling you an iPad, while the average new yorker was still on the waiting list for one, consciously regressed to some primitive version of english.

and if you live in dubai you know what i mean. call any fucking mobile phone operator's customer service desk and act a bit angry. suddenly the person on the other end goes blank... tries a few excuses and hangs up on you.

anyways, back to the stand off.

in the 3rd round of debates where you make less and less sense because your explaining how your pompous ass thinks business should be done, in sign language, and he is using less and less words and already serving someone else, you give up.

you've realized getting it installed somewhere else costs you less in time and hospital bills than a heart attack.

so you march on down to the guy who fixes watches, key chains, shoes, calculators, phones (and helicopters i'm sure at this point) because all you seem to need is a screwdriver and cardamom tea.

this guy you're going to fuck up. you are warmed up and reeeeady to go.

so you wait in line.

once you get there you state your business.

-listen buddy, (oh my god he realized right there you were raised by white people. 20% price hike) i need this phone cover installed onto my blackberry NOW.

he is cold as ice. giving you a look from the side of his eye, behind his 80's aviator eye glasses.

he mumbles something.

-whaaa...? (he realizes you're mentally slow and are certainly not part of the in crowd that understands how these things go down. another 20% price hike rich boy)

he repeats, it's 80 dirhams. (you convert it to dollars. because you've been living here 3 years now but have yet to register that.) ... you process. you're about to say OK. until you convert it into big macs. then you lose your shit.

so you erupt.

and the guy is cool as ice.

so you negotiate.

and he, still speaking to you from the side of his mouth, in whispers, because this is obviously a state secret, tells you its not possible. and ditches you for some dude that wants to fix his belt AND copy keys (i swear this shop does everything).

you feel like shit.

you realize he's got all the power. and screwdrivers.

because the money for the cover is lost and can only be put to use if you put more money into it for installation.

so you wait in line.

you get his attention again.

you say yes.

but you try and negotiate your terms.

to get it done NOW.

he points at his cell phone guy. surrounded by the guts of 15 phones saying: 'not possible. he has too much of work' (and after living here 3 years THAT makes perfect sense to you grammatically)

so he tells you to come back in 4 hours.

you go kill time at a hypermarket. the music store. and you get your cinnabon on. good times.

you come back. and your blackberry is still black.

you throw a fit.

it becomes a mutlisensory experience because not only are your words killing his eardrums but even your saliva makes a guest appearance, since you've totally become an animal. enraged that your blackberry is still the way it should be and not the way you'd like it to be.

so he makes your job the priority.

but he needs some tea first.

at this point you need a new t-shirt and a shower.

but he gets around to your phone.

and it takes 3.5 minutes.

but your holding a snow white blackberry. and you feel like a champ. down almost 100$ or 25 big macs i should say.

and the honeymoon phase of 3 weeks is great.

people notice, you feel awesome and you even impressed a girl or two.

until the thing starts chipping.

1 week later your blackberry looks stupid missing button covers and looking overall disgusting.

and as a consumer used to the inconsistencies of Dubai's suppliers you kind of should have expected it.

but only an experience like that would teach it to you.

and i guess that's the shock i got when i heard about how some of the companies in my environment behave (ca va. not the one i work at. they're dope. i.e. cool, in case i work for you and street slang is not your forte. don't fire me please.)

their level of shadyness is much more real and directly impacts my happiness, but it's more so the shock i got to know that major players would behave like a street vendor would.

anyways, i've come to terms with it. and to tell you quite frankly i don't have much experience dealing with such things coming from a sheltered background,but i'm glad to be on this side of what's shaping up to be quite the battle.

get ready people.

it's just me and my BB... (sing it like 2Pac)

2010-02-10T09:54:00.003+04:00

every morning, when i have made it about 200 meters away from my house (which takes like 14 minutes, don't ask, it seems every road is under construction in Dubai), i get the feeling that i have forgotten my blackberry at home.

this obviously feels like a punch to the stomach, as i feel i would not exist that day if i didn't have it. (weirdly enough i have outlook and facebook open at work at all times, so a part for the odd sms from my mobile provider pushing cheap international rates or a free hummer if i sign up to some new raffle draw bull shit, or a BBM from my mom who has become waaaaaay too trigger happy with that shit, i'm good to go.)

and then i realize i did bring it along.

it's always in the same place. right next to me. where it belongs.

and i feel stupid everytime.

but it sure gets the blood flowing.

on cell phone etiquette in the uae

2010-01-01T20:05:00.002+04:00

Sorry. Mobile etiquette.
You people and your terms. I blame it on the white expats. I blame them for everything.

Ever since I got here 2 years ago, I've been more than perplexed with how people behave with or around their mobiles.

True, I did come from Canada, where, untill the recent popularity of the blackberry, we could easily have taken the prize of : most backwards and outdated telecom industry within the developed world.

but this is a bit troubling

first, there's people's comfort with texting and driving. not from a blackberry, but from a small sony ericsson where you have to push the button 3 times before you get the letter you want, and chances are when you're on sheikh zayed road where everyone feels like they're schumacher and you're simply trying to get out of the way, you press the wrong button

then there's people who keep speaking in the same volume eventhough you just picked up a call. what the fuck.

i don't understand this at all. it's either they really don't give a fuck or they are 'ruhtards'.

this is obviously assuming you're not the douche who picked up a phone call in the middle of a meeting....

leading us to the 3rd weird thing about cell phone behavior: the in-meeting pick up. i mean, you're not james bond buddy. your carrying a clunky blackberry and as much as you try to whisper, i can't sell you this layout until you get the fuck off the phone and give my powerpoint template the attention it deserves. i mean, i do spend hours picking colors and centering jpegs.

the in-meeting blackberry check up is equally annoying. i understand that we are all addicts at this point, but its not like we're big CEOs or saving lives. the status report can wait.

cool thing though, i've turned this pet peeve into a positive, as i use the 'i have an email i need to answer' as a cover to bbm/sms, stalk girls on facebook or play some blackberry poker.

next, is people's willingness to share their mobile number. i guess it's cuz people have on average 2 phones each, but i can get a direct line to just about anyone here. CEOs, drivers...anyone. the same goes for facebook by the way. people you've met once add you on facebook and suddenly they have access to pictures from you're 22nd birthday and you get live coverage of their most recent hangover, or a day by day countdown until their next trip.

also, different ethnicities' integration of their language to SMS. the arabs add a 3 in the middle of a word and suddenly you feel like you're ordering hommous. indians will write the way they speak. like not write 'we' but simply the letter 'v'. i mean, to make the effort to transliterate your accent, and to therefore extend the reach of an already semi-alienating trait, well that's just odd.

next, is how it (sms) has become a tool to pick up girls.

don't get me wrong, i use it myself when i don't have the balls to call a girl up (mostly out of fear of having nothing to say but: hey i think you're awesome), and i normally get engaged in this conversation that i feel is so loaded with emotion and promise, only to re-read it the next day and realize i probably should become a film director because of my extremely fertile imagination. but these arab boys have taken it a step too far. if you happen to be anywhere near 5 or more sheeshas and your bluetooth is on, get ready to receive poetry, pictures of babies, flowers, some dude's mustang or his biceps.

and that's in addition to the already existing sms-ing book of rules. i need to get my hands on that, if not only to find out when it's a good time to cut off a conversation.

you obviously don't want to send a message and not get a reply, but it has got to end (not because of the money your spending, but because you need people to think you have other things to do). and someone has to be that person who jsut doesn't reply. the assumption is that they read it, smirk or nod and go on about their business. i think they consciously hold back from saying something just to end up with that upper hand that i so crave (i always end up being the bitch who sends the last sms)

fuck those people. they're so powerful. and awesome.

last of all, there's the blinging. this some people might say is international, ever since VIn Diesel's classic fast and the furious turned my generation onto modding and paris hilton made everything within her realm glittery, but again, the middle east takes the cake on this one.

i walked by a kiosk at the mall yesterday where it looked like a woman was performing surgery on a phone, when all she was doing was super-gluing fake diamonds onto the back of an iPhone to spell out this girl's name.

i shouldn't speak, i recently made my blackberry white and the shit has already peeled off completely. leaving me with a stupid looking phone i have to live with until i get a new one (i try and make that once a year so i don't seem like a brat)

to think, mobile phones were supposed to make us better people. they have obviously only added a whole new layer of shit i just don't get.

i watched twilight ...

2009-12-07T19:34:00.008+04:00

that statement alone should buy me some cool points with the younger demographic.

HEY! as Kanye would say:

Hold up, Born In '88...
How Old Is That?
Old Enough

(*oh yes. ain't no booty like jailbait booty.* eww ali)

speaking in the 3rd person, a right i gave myself when i turned 25.

no really. i watched twilight because i had to.

i mean everyone is talking about it.

between billboards in the streets of dubai

to witnessing a conversation between married women, each mothers of 2 (just emphasizing that they've been with a man that's all), falling over 'edward' the maligned vampire from twilight.

Pile on the launch of 'new moon' (the sequel), my own curiosity with the main actress of the movie (i like it when they look perturbed, they look more capable to scar me emotionally, and i've shown an inclination towards that type of behavior/psyco bitch in the past) added to the above mentioned need for conversation starters with the average female ...

so i had to do it.

and i did it.

normally people would use generation-Y talk here and be like: 'spoiler alert!', if you read on you'll totally find out what happened next (say in the tone of voice of a typical JAP - jewish american princess, for added effect).... buuuut you've probably already seen it.

so let's cut right to the chase and get on with this movie review.

already, it begins with a teen who has divorced parents who has to go live with her other parent, who she doesn't see so often, really wants to understand her but is consumed in their own life in a small town... so, typical teen movie (i covered this a few months ago in my review of a mixed martial arts teen movie that was so fucking wack i had to get all Y2K-emo and take to my blog to vent my frustrations about it... how current of me)

whatever... to be expected.

she gets to this city in bumblefuck-nowhere and obviously is introduced to a dorky friend who kinda lurks around (oh ali made a funny there. because he's some night animal too. go ali) but basically serves as a cheerleader or fall back to her main focus, and that of the movie and every 16 year old grappling her teddy bear for dear life ... her love interest.

ah edward. we finally meet.

really? i guess i'd make a really bad gay guy cuz i would never single out this person as a sex symbol. but the main actress does. (see i didn't pay attention to her name because i find her hot. yah that's how i deal with tha ladies. hence single life)

and boom.

4 minutes into the movie she's got a crush (i also like it when they're taken/unattainable...so ali was lovin' this shit at this point)

but this guy thinks she smells nice.

so he wants to eat her. and he shows it by growling and biting his lip.

logical.

oh, for my mother, the only person who might read this blog; and not have seen the movie, it's about vampires. who have been rehabilitated to only eat animals (americans yanni).

so he avoids her by not going to school.

for a day.

but then he comes back. because you don't go to prom if you don't pass bio.

and she confronts him.

'why did you not show up?' why are u avoiding me? (as if they've got this backstory that warrants such direct conversation and the feeling that she be treated politely by this stranger)

'i can't be around you... you don't understand' he replies.

uh oh dramaaaaaa! undercover-vampire-boy has a secrettttttt.

6 minutes into the movie, they're in love with eachother, want to eat eachothers bodies (another double meaning joke. goooo ali), but can't.

seriously???? does it have to get so dramatic so soon?

then obviously her life is put in danger, and he comes out of nowhere to save her in his volvo (batmobile for vampires obviously)...

and the real vampires (who like to eat people) want to kill her ... so her boyfriend makes it his mission to save her.

really?

no wonder teenagers think the world revolves around them. we've got a 17 year old swooping in to stop a gang rape, fight off 3 bad guys who are virtually invincible and juggling acceptance from his peers in high school, all in one day!

it's like the 18 year olds from the O.C., one tree hill etc (hey! not girly... i have sisters. and one tv. and how else would i get all my emo music to impress tha ladies?), who take over the family business cuz dad is sailing the world and mom is an alcoholic or some shit....

what the fuck are we putting in teenagers' minds???

(and this is the point in my rant where is scroll up and re-read what i've written to see if i can tie it together to make some sense of it all, hopefully finding a title to make it seem like it was all thought out and not just some mental diarrhea... the world's most difficult word to spell btw)

we give them too much make-belief control in movies where the fate of the world is in their hands , they can speak to whales or they can win gold medals at the olympics, and they make themselves the center of the world.

a world where a movie like twilight is a worldwide hit.

happy 25th birthday to me. i'm officially old and out of touch.

n.b. i know this is based on some book, so maybe it's less ridiculous than the movie. but as stated throughout my life, in this blog and as demonstrated in this blog... i don't read books. well a part for this one time.

pure awesome

2009-09-28T12:59:00.001+04:00

songwriting is hard, nike ads got me feelin like a ret...

2009-09-26T01:45:00.003+04:00

so i've been taking on a few projects recently.

reading a book? just finished the one i been working on since july .... and it's actually a huge deal

iconic movies? i'm catchin up...

but if you're a facebook friend of mine, sit next to me at work, are one of my sisters, or had the pleasure of sitting at a table next to your uncle sweetmove and i at dinner in the last 3 months, you know i'm working on a love song. (love rap)

partially inspired by my song of the moment (and summer, and year): best i ever had by drake.

hot women in that one.

and despite my great ideas and inspiration, it's kinda tough.

well comin' up with something worth 'dropping in the studio', that's what's hard.

not that i would sing it, but using the lingo totally makes me feel great.

guess i've been kinda rough on the creative types i deal with all day to get client requests out the door.

it's difficult to come up with good shit, that rhymes, on command. let alone day in and day out.

short of taking back the verbal abuse i dish out in briefings, i tip my hat to copywriters and art directors out there who have to work on stuff that doesn't inspire them so much, but that they've got to deliver at the highest of standards.

but then there are also the geniuses...

respect to the consistently creative people at Nike. who have not fucked up once and turn me into a complete idiot every time they have a new spot/idea/product....

hit youtube and type nike.

get ready to see communications that all make people want to jump out of their seats and do something. that hit the human insight just right. that tell you about something you never knew you wanted but now need that tell you that you've got to step up your game whether your basketballin', writing a love song for no one or earmarking a pair of sneakers you hope to one day wear on stage at Cannes.

mine are yellow and grey pumas. they're dope.

SOME things change....

2009-09-11T19:56:00.004+04:00

AHHHHHHHH

i'm baccccckkkk

i've got a new position lined up within my agency.... one i've been wanting for like a year (yey, new desk and no need to wear my douchebag shoes everyday, so i just bought my coolest pair of sneakers yet). it makes me feel like this.

i finally got over this girl i have been hung up over for the last 2-3 years (whom i quickly realized was not such a good match. only to become infatuated with someone new .... )

and microsoft, my whipping boys of choice, are back to their shit.

so let's get to it.

considering people were genuinely offended by Project Mojave, and its infomercial-like tactics...

-hello sir, please use this PC, isn't it great?

-oh my god, this is so simple and amazing, i...i...i...th..th..think i'm having a full-on orgasm all over myself!

-well sir, it's windows vista. BOOYA (product shot time!!!!!)

-gosh darn it! thanks windows vista! (close up on the jizz stain of champions)

... why would people be OK with watching children show them how it's done on pc(1)? (the brief must have been, show them it's easy to use our stuff too, that we're not a big cold company AND MAKE IT CUTE!)

i have no idea why they do what they do the way they do.

i won't get back into how they could change their image into being the company we look to, to bring us the future, by showing us more of this, and this, but hopefully they take a long look at themselves, realize they have real substance, and communicate it to the world.

i must say i do like this one. only because of the line: i would have to double my budget to get mac. 'guess i'm not cool enough to get a mac'....

there was something there!

in a time where people are disgusted with overt statements of wealth, thinking about every dollar spent, perhaps an anti-hipster/yuppy/justin long campaign could really connect with people!

i think this book i am reading - how brands become icons ... DAMN STRAIGHT i'm reading a book - my only flaw has been adressed! has really re-organized things in my mind, and made it clearer than ever that we need to look at cultural shifts and how people behave, to create ads that will connect with people... in a good way, not the kind of way that make me dust off the old blog and rant once again, all while plugging in the new title and book reading.

i'm just saying.

death of the TVC?

2009-06-30T23:30:00.006+04:00

so i just got back from Cannes

not for the beach or the bitches (although it took my obsession will all things dutch and newfound fascination with brazilian women to a whole other level), but for the ad fest

i sat in front of the guys from droga 5, next to the guys from AKQA and their grand prix, made some good friends, got a good kick in the ass to take my career head on , and left me with such a feeling of envy that i should be good to go till next year's festival.

it was amazing, speaking to people from all over the world, with the same issues, hearing people just like me who have become huge, or simply hustled their way to producing true art...

whatever it was, i thought it was phenomenal.

problem is, now my head is all over the place.

and that's besides the fact that for the first time ever, i missed my dubai life for the most surprising reason, or that i don't know if it's best for me to move to an advertising hub like london, new york or amsterdam...

it's because, they went out and tried to make a statement again.

considering they went loco for the cadbury gorilla last year, as a way to usher in the age of viral, i figured they would put a major focus on titanium and integrated, which rightfully went to Obama, to say social networking and twitter was the new platform....

but they pulled some other shit.

they gave best film grand prix to the Phillips Caroussel campaign.

really?

i get it. you can zoom in and out and walk around a scene from a movie, and take control. the whole point of digital (which by the way is the new black, and apparently the new obama ... no link there).... but best film?

reallly?

i would have even been OK with them giving it to one of these new short films like the Lux one with catherine zeta jones, or Zack 16 (which despite being produced by my home team, i just didn't process right... i mean, can we find out if he gets his dick back? and can this be cured? i need the vaccine now man. my dick is like the only person, other than my 3 loyal blog visitors, who listens to me), to celebrate the lifting of media buying shackles, allowing every creative to make the film they always wanted to, having only to end it with the logo of the brand paying for their time...

my personal favorite was fate by nike.

i mean, they can't fuck up! nike is just too good.

perhaps not grand prix worthy, but still amazing.

the cannes people have gone and done it again.

don't know what they wanted to tell us, but there has to be a message in there somewhere.

i get that we're all scared that some 16 year old in his basement who can master flash and php is gonna take top creative gigs one day, but i think this was a bit off.

just my 2 cents.

and i'm expecting a backlash, especially from the assholes who called me stupid when i told them i didn't "get" the movie "sideways" (perhaps because i have a deep hatred for all those slice of life movies with no beginning and no end, a emo soundtrack and a bunch of people who claim to love it all why not knowing why... yah hello "garden state", luckily your music was good)

probably has a lot to do with not having been shortlisted and the (what i am told is) inevitable post cannes hangover.

glad to have blogged. get ready to hear about my feelings, fascination with being black, frustrations with work, thoughts about dubai, quotes from my dumb friends etc...

big things coming. i feel it. and so does your mother.

mythical creatures

2009-05-01T09:37:00.004+04:00

so.

i haven't blogged in a while.

and haven't really put any thought into any posts (or any thing for that matter, but i'll get to that later), in a the last couple of months.

i was waiting for some change.

i was hearing about change in my agency, and change for myself.

so i was sitting, waiting and wishing (ca va not wishing, but it's a jack johnson song and he's dope, so we'll keep it)

things didn't really work out the way i would have liked.

well not completely. but it's cool because it's a step in the right direction (so cliche. i am sure it was only made common by other fools like me trying to mask disappointment), but i'm not walking i want to be there yesterday.

anyways, it's all good.

i can still look back on my first year in advertising and say i made a profit (in the sense that i got more out of it that it took out of me.)

so, back to the subject at hand.

i've basically had a real punishing last month, where i really got to understand a different side of advertising.

the side i would always see, but never felt i was a part of.

the one i would see when i hung out with ad people after work hours.

chain smoking, bitching about "clients", revisions and timelines .

i bought into the near sighted culture that makes 2-headed dragons out of clients. the ones mentioned in agency hallways when creatives vent about how no one understand their inspiration, muse or half ass effort. or when a client servicer needs to level with a creative/production guy to get him to make the impossible happen yet again. or when a client servicing guy looks like a chicken without a head, is sweating through his shirt, canceling on friends and just looking for a second to catch up with the world around him.

the people lose their names and personalities. become the mythical creatures named CLIENT. suddenly they are made out to be : dumb, and don't know what's best for the brand. don't have budget. don't understand the process. send moronic emails and are so demanding that yours truly has begun to lose from his luscious locks (the ones on my head not my ass thank you very much).

it becomes the engine of an agency:

client briefs. client servicing translates.

creative makes. client servicing translates.

client feedbacks. client servicing translates.

creative bitches. client servicing flips out inside but pleads on the outside.

name calling ensues.

compromise found on the fact that neither creative nor client servicing is the douche bag. the real culprit is the animal named client.

and so the work is done.

and the cycle continues.

the creature adds to its multiple roles that of creative director, having the authority to make changes to the creation of an experienced team, and having apparently sucked the life out of all those involved.

and then the focus becomes finishing. and hopefully moving on to the ideal brief.

it comes.

and is eaten.

but translated throughout. god bless us.

that's the cycle i got sucked into. and it killed me.

it took what i earned last year.

brought me to my knees and mortal-kombat-finished me in style.

but only an experience like this, and my poor boss who has to cheerlead us to the finish line acting as if it's a sprint but knowing it's a marathon that only a select few decide to finish, give you what you will earn in the second year (which i'm half way into already!): the realization that the creature named "CLIENT" that you have created in your mind (ironically your best thought to date), doesn't exist.

the sooner we (and our 2-headed dragon counterparts) get our heads out of our egos, and realize neither can survive without the other, the sooner we can leave the shit work to auto pilot and use the might inflating our egos to do work we can be proud of, the sooner you graduate from your 2nd year a champ able to understand that it's not that big a deal and only you suffer from it.

i'm sick of the month i just had.

i'm never having one like that again.

you read it here first.

respect my conglomerate

2009-05-01T09:27:00.003+04:00

rap used to be about the little guy's problems

then about how the little guy was gonna kill you

then how killin so many "cats" made him notorious

then how being so notorious made him a BOSS

then he flaunted his cash, riches and bitches

but it was always about the little guy.

now apparently they make anthems for CEOs too.

(bet they were busting this at Chrysler headquarters the other day... not so much now)

Dubai has no depth

2009-03-06T11:39:00.002+04:00

oh. shit.

he said it.

wata-douchebag.

he went and crossed the line.

he said what every expat/tourist/ass hole (including himself) has said at a certain point in time here. (funny fact: most of the time these words are uttered in the immigration line at the airport, apparently the international measuring-stick for deciding the level of development and civilization of a population)

no no no. i meant to say the city is built along sheikh zayed road / the coastline and does not go very far inland.

this can be explained by the fact that everyone came here and wanted to make money.

so do the math.

coast line is valuable for real estate/tourism etc..., desert requires extra infrastructure for water, electricity etc...

hmmm it doesn't take a genius to simply buy land further along the coastline and turn dubai into the single-highway stretch of land it has become now.

but people (my friends and i) complain that you can't walk around and wander (well technically you can, but considering the heat and distance, you would be quite moist upon entering the cute little art gallery you stumbled upon in the industrial area), but that's just the way the city grew.

and you can't blame it for that.

no one expected it to grow so quickly, so re-creating the BurDubai, Sheik Zayed Road, Deira, almost sharjah and adu dhabi-like warmth could have never been planned.

but it's that same exponential growth that got us jobs that required us to come in by the boatload, and line up like cattle at the immigration line, which honestly really is a frustrating experience.

so let's try and hold back, not compare dubai's city planning to the places we came from that took a good 1 000 years to end up the way they are today, and take dubai for what it is.

it's an economist's dream, the capitalist model by excellence, a land of speculation and opportunity, an experiment in human genius and the wildest dream of every other country out there.

rock on dubai. i wish you all the best.

"never back down" - ultimate fighting

2009-03-04T00:19:00.003+04:00

so apparently mixed martial arts are all the craze these days.

kinda like break dancing in the era that began with "save the last dance", through "honey" (jessica alba is so hot) and should have ended with "you got served" (a term i will guarantee lives on until i'm 50, along with " oh my gooood you just got punked ni**a", simply because i will never outgrow my teen years when i was still on top of things and in the know).

sadly the genre, lived on. with suping up cars. through fast and the furious 1 to the one with bow wow (all time loooow).

and the niche was created.

every story begins this way:

kid takin the bus to school. then an after school job.
then gets home. where they live with a single caretaker. (mostly a single parent, extra points for aunt who took you in after your single mom was gunned down, and huge racial points when that aunt is black).
then the inevitable " you're not my father!" outburst.
then the brooding teen takes refuge in a hobby. with street kids. aaaaalways street kids.
obviously they are grand masters at this hobby. (you see if the story was about me, the movie would end there because my talents "have yet to be developed")
an opportunity comes along.
where our star needs to win.
they find a dorky friend, who either secretly wants to bone them, or will eventually do so as a crowning interracial moment (to add to the set of ideals we try to drill into the minds of the naive youth of today)
they get beaten down (a MUST)
they get back up (duh!)
they want to give up (cuz no one wants to pay 15$ to go see a 45 minute movie)
but the dorky friend talks them into it, or is taken hostage
the starlet doesn't call the cops (cuz that's laaaame playa)
there is a confrontation/dance battle/race
it gets moved outside to the rain
our starlet wins
viewers pop a mutual erection and we're all taught a life lesson we'll never use, because when a ballet school opens for auditions that does not mean you should come break dance. TRY SHOWING UP TO THE FUCKING BREAK DANCE AUDITION MORON.

anyways,

i recently watched: "never back down".

a movie with the same scenario, but with mixed martial arts as the hobby.

my problem: (other than the fact that this masterpiece was snubbed at the Oscars), the last scene.

the bad guys beat up the dork friend.

so the hero comes in.

bad guy gives him a look i have only seen in one other situation: when a lebanese girl you're sitting at dinner with at an expensive restaurant, tryin' to get a lil' sumpin' sumpin', spots another lebanese girl. and stares her down. and sizes her up. and calculates how much she spent on her outfit/fake breasts. and talks shit about her. ultimatley breaking your flow/game/pleas for the afore mentioned sumpin' sumpin'.

and then the beat down.

in a parking lot.

in the rain.

problem is: as cool as it seems to have this alphamale dick-swinging match in the rain, for artistic reasons, people may try this in real life.

and UFC has entered mainstream. boasting the most finely tuned athletes on the planet. (really?) and a sport that apparently all us civilized folk feel should be part of our society.

but considering how many times i've tried to" battle" (stumble) on a club dancefloor or contemplated putting "Rims" on my car, maybe we shouldn't try and glorify such a dangerous (barbaric) sport with a movie concept we know gets trends amongst youngsters started.

on being indian in 09

2009-03-02T08:50:00.003+04:00

as mentioned below (ewww i need to stop writing as if i'm emailing...but i haven't really blogged for a while), i work for an ad agency in dubai.

it didn't take very long for me to notice, that the entire industry is overrun with lebanese people. luckily, i've spent my life growing up with lebos. so we're all good.

just as quickly as i realized that no morning coffee/brief/debrief/layout/artwork/production etc... would be possible from here on in without key words like : habibi, hayete, yallah , they realized i was brown.

so the usual questions came: "where you from?" (and the next one is always a must in my unique situation: ) "No man, where are you really from?"....

basically i say canadian but originally indian bla bla bla, they say indian.

to stop the beef, a Syrian (yeh they have trouble fitting in too, despite their inclination towards hummus and falafels. so close. yet so far HAYETE.) colleague of mine came up with the term: "CANINDIAN".

the kind of guy who likes hockey, but can force out fluent hindi/gujarati if his cabbie starts going in the wrong direction and risks overcharging him for the ride in these tough economic times.

anyways, all that to say: i've pretty much only been part indian my whole life.

but this last month has provided two pretty nice situations to jump on the bandwagon.

slum dog wins everything at the oscars

and

Tata finally brings out the nano (world's cheapest car)

but all that was ruined .

the child star from slumdog was apparently slapped for not going to an interview. (oh la la...)

and

the Tata nano is not safe enough for international roads. (i believe we can safely say most indian drivers, myself included, aren't safe for the road)

they say india is the next big thing....

rap tried it for a good six months where they brought in hindi samples and remixed them, hermes's most recent collection was based on an india-france fusion, which i am sure my assimilated aunts went gaga for and the list goes on

but it seems the white man is still trying to hold us down. or maybe we need a better PR team.

i'll give it another shot when i can stomach the curry.

1 billion plus

2009-02-04T07:39:00.002+04:00

ok,

so this is the type of article that white people loooove to read.

it's about a local indian (MARRIED) couple that was brought in by police for obscene behavior in public.

they were kissing.

and possibly documenting it on their nokias.

that's all.

that touch of sarcasm above quite simply sums up my western-influenced opinion about the whole thing.

and it's because of the whole "wtf" reaction that such an article makes the cover of bbc.com.

again, keep in mind: global warming, global recession, so many people starving, Davos declaring a possible water bankruptcy in the future etc etc....

THERE IS OTHER SHIT TO WRITE ABOUT!

i am sure this story is no where near the front pages in India itself, but it somehow makes it to page one on bbc.

it's good entertainment that's all.

oh and it adds to our cultural repertoire.

basically, it will be used in the near future in two situations:

-next uncomfortable situation, or information dick-swinging match (a personal favorite of mine, since i have the upper hand on my colleagues who opt to have social lives, interaction and sexual encounters rather than be put through my regimen of googling and "www.digg.com"-ing)

-one of those infuriating white - ethnic meet ups, where you meet a white person (by the way, with the rates of immigration, interracial marriages, globalization and overall obamaness, this group of purely"white" i have decided to attack, shrinks by the day), and tell them where you're from and they retort with a) someone else they know from there and a quick question like: do you know him ? b) a quick anecdote about how they tried and (for extra points) loved your local cuisine. (being indian, i find it noble of them to hold out the fact that most of the time, they get diarrhea from the spices)

anyways,

that's the beef with outsiders

i won't get into the whole PDA-in-indian culture debate, but know that i've never held hands with a girl in front of my parents, that the "sex talk" we had was forced by the fact that my girlfriend at the time was clearly insane, and reproducing with her would have been detrimental to the family, and that the kiss at the end of slumdog millionaire surprised me despite the white director.

we've got some catching up to do as a culture on this one. but considering there are a billion plus indians on the planet, i'm guessing the world's onto the fact that we know how and like to fuck.

elephants

2009-02-02T07:04:00.002+04:00

so i've been trying to ignore and avoid it but i think it has finally sunk in.

something's up.

you hear the term "the climate" "the climate" "the climate" EVERYWHERE

it's all people talk about!

after hoping people are talking about the weather (which by the way is heating up, and eating up at sweater season - a high point in your's truly's fashion calendar considering deep investments made in Canada over the last few years - BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON, and i will simply sweat it out for the next week or two as i show off my stylish V's ), you realize they're all talking about the global economy.

what it reminds me of (and i love you all so much), is my lebanese friends. always making plans based on "la situation", and pausing an innocent night of taking the indian tourist out for some narguileh, shawarma and ma3maltein (see what i did there with the 3? it's probably wrong but it totally shows i'm trying to fit in .YOU KNOW (elbow nudge to the nearest leb-bro) ... ), because of "la situation" ... something i came to understand was the political instability and not the on-going crisis that my woman at the time used to call our relationship, which she felt i could give more time to. possibly by cutting sleep hours.

and in this city of vague-ities, where a hotel can simply be called: the address, and a tower, taller than the Burj Dubai: Tall Tower (Really????? do you only exist to be the tallest? is that it? you've got nothing else?), i was hoping that "the climate" meant something different.

sadly no, the global economic crisis seems to have hit. and it's all the buzz.

epiphany alert

2009-01-18T20:21:00.005+04:00

ok this is a good one.

the article is titled:

"Hormone drives sexy women to infidelity, says study"

so i read on...

you know, because i'll take all the help i can get to understand women

and here's the gist of it:

Women with high levels of a key sex hormone are judged more attractive by themselves and others, and may be more inclined to cheat on their partners, according to a study published Wednesday.

University of Texas psychologists Kristina Durante and Norman Li found that women with high concentrations of the hormone oestradiol were likelier to flirt, kiss and have a serious affair outside an established relationship.

basically: hot girls fuck.

the "study" goes on to elaborates further: "Men are keen to find a sexier woman and women want to find a partner who is a better provider and looker.

"Women have to trade off between having a long-term mate who provides continual material resources, and more physically attractive, short-term sexual partners with good genetic resources," write Durante and Li."

so, hot girls fuck guys with money.

did we really have to get the bright minds of the university of texas to study this for us?

couldn't we consult pop culture, human behavior since the dawn of time, animal behavior, the guy who married anna nicole smith and my high school success rate as opposed to my current loneliness to find that shit out?????!!!!

GO CURE CANCER!!!!

stop wasting time with all this nonsense.

no wonder the world is fucked, top educational institutions are researching the science of getting ass, kids are getting their education from the morons on JackAss and you can't google anything, ANYTHING without stumbling on porn or a version of it having a shaking orgasm on live webcam....

ugh,

let's just add this to the list of things we expect obama to solve.

sights at java u

2009-01-16T18:06:00.001+04:00

So I'm back home . In canada.

I can't feel a single one of my body parts because of the cold. And its glorious.

I am currently at a cafe I spent most of my adolesence at, and I'm sitting next to lesbians.
Not the kind you google.
The kind who don't shave.

But I'm indian so who am I to judge?

What's hilarious to me is everyone's reaction.

As these two girls lounge, kiss and sip their coffee, everyone around them is trying to keep a front that they're totally cool with it.

Look at what all the PC mantras have left us with.

A bunch of uncomfortable people.
But if it buys these girls a moment of normality that we take for granted then I'm happy for them and will leave all the hatred for forced and muted conformity for after they stop sucking face.

from your uncle sweetmove:

2009-01-10T17:16:00.002+04:00

i have been trying to push my close friend elliott bastien to blog ever since i started. Mostly cuz i don't want to feel like the only guy venting for all to see. Anyways, he never got into it, so i'm going to start a new segment on my blog called:

conversations with sweetmove:

and here is your first snippet:

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/01/10/zimbawe.currency/index.html

update your blog bro

he is not a man of many words, but gosh darn it does he get the job done.

more to come from me and your uncle, but for now i'm going to make the most of being back home in canada. ( i can see it when i exhale, i can't feel my bones, the food is amazing and i can pee in public . love it)

Putain c'est la fin du monde...

2008-12-20T11:33:00.004+04:00

no matter who you're doomsday predictor of choice is: a holy book, Nostradamus (whose stories are so vague that you could find anything in them), Gerrard Celente (who has officially predicted the US will become a third world nation within the next 4 years) or whomever...

i suggest you consult your main man Amarsy's signs that the end of the world as we know it is really fuckin close:

1. jenna jameson , once if not still the most googled person on the planet ( yours truly can take some credit for that. you know why, cuz she's a pornstar... cuz porn is cool...get with it), is now pregnant

2. it snowed in las vegas . 6 inches on the strip. in the desert. they had to close the airport (hello??? U.S.??? mother nature has been leaving you quite a few hints the last few years... wtf? shit is hitting the fan)

3. a guy was able to get up and throw not one but two shoes at what was supposed to be the most powerful and guarded man on the planet. (granted he is a lame duck prez at this point, but knowing all the wars he has started, and the pandemonium that would go off if he were to be killed, don't you think the bodyguards should be in the same room as him?

4. it now costs 10 billion dollars (all terms zimbabwe-an and over inflated like a motherfucker obviously) to buy a loaf of bread in Zimbabwe.

5. Pink(who caters to 11-16 year olds i assume)'s new single "sober" features her making out with herself. hot yes. inappropriate for airing before afterhours? yes. a sign that satan controls the airwaves? oh yes

6. a man had a baby this year. and is apparently expecting another. enuff said.

7. US (yes that country that owns all of our collective destinies) senate seats are apparently up for sale to the highest bidder.

8. the internet wires to the middle east got cut. (end of MY world that's for sure.) GOD i need a social life.

9. a mixed audience was treated to a "movie" (with pictures and sound like in the rest of the world) in Saudi. fuck man, let those people live.

10. santa is clause is a lie.

i suggest you digest the above and see how you feel now!!!

the end is near, and it looks like things are gonna be pretty crappy till then.

in all seriousness, 2008 may have been a year to forget, but 2009 is lookin pretty cool in comparison. so, to quote a t-shirt i saw on threadless: STOP DESTROYING THE PLANET. IT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY STUFF.

lookin forward to 09 and the change it should bring.

compensating talent

2008-12-13T23:24:00.003+04:00

CC Sabathia, a pitcher in the MLB recently signed a 7-year 161 million dollar deal to play for the new york yankees.

now let's analyze that setence.

CC Sabathia : pretty pimp name if you ask me. kind of like A.G. Lafley (top dog at P&G ... i'm kind of surprised my spell check doesn't know his name considering each and every one of us use at least like 4 of the products he pushes, every day).

a pitcher in the MLB: so he's part of a rotation of players who compete in about 20 games a year, in the top baseball league in the world (sorry my japanese friends, but you should have seen that one coming considering the gringos steal your top talent in broad daylight)

recently signed a 7-year 161 million dollar contract: that's 6 zeros thank you very much. 23 million per year, or more than 1 million per outing, which itself is like 3 hours, so 333, 333$ an hour. (kinda puts things into perspective huh?)

to play: he is paid to play a game. like when you were kids (except not everyone is a winner, and he gets paid to do it.).

for the new york yankees: most storied franchise in baseball history. an integral part of Americana. with a stadium a few miles away from wall street. you know, where are that recession shit is going on.

breaking it down like that kind of leaves you speechless.

but it's a great conversation starter (try it with your boss when he asks you about deadlines, invoicing or other grown up things) ...

from Lebron signing with Sprite for 12-15 million for 6 years, before even playing an NBA game, to Alex Rodriguez signing a 10 year contract worth a QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS, without forgetting the massive transfer fee for David Beckham from Man U to Real Madrid (which was immediately compensated with jersey sales...but i'm coming to that later) and the massive wealth people like michael jordan have amassed from endorsements... we ask our selves: why?

cynics always say something along the lines of: that kid gets paid millions to dribble a ball...

but i think... good for him

that kid has talent. enough talent for you to take time out of your busy schedule to watch him play.

that kid is filling up stadiums, selling apparel, redefining the way you play, constantly re-arranging your children's favorite people on the planet, and ultimaltely giving you a glimpse at greatness that only he can keeping feeding your imagination with.

we're talking about finely tuned athletes, who not only put in hours of training and dedication, but have also risked it all (because i don't know if these guys go to school when they're busy working towards superstardom, or simply being drafted at 17). more importantly that kid has talent that you pay to watch.

he's a tool in the entertainment industry, which itself generates billions, so why not give him his fair share?

now how the MLB goes on offering such huge contracts without shame, while those around them aren't sure to have jobs to earn them money to buy tickets to games is a whole other ball game and beyond me.

let's see if CC wants to buy out the big 3 why don't we?

acts not ads

2008-12-07T10:47:00.003+04:00

in my recent obsession with JWT Mumbai's strategic planning department, i've come to reconsider my (and every other ) agency's new mantras.

despite being an amazing example of people getting moving, changing the way they do things, looking at the world differently, and all that Kool-Aid, because of what brands can do for them, i feel inititives like "lead india", can't become everyone's new ad/communication technique.

ok, ok, you can look at the main points, like full media integration, pinpointing a real human insight, finding a perfect niche for your brand etc...

but you can't want to turn the world upside down every time a new flavor of Tide comes out, and then OMO, and then whatever else detergent is out there and will also(/only) make your clothes whiter.

people are always looking for the next frontier of advertising, whether it's below the line, digital, in political movements or toilet stalls.

yes, print outlets are slowly dying. yes i spend 14-15 hours a day on a computer. yes my purchase behaviors can be altered with a small sticker saying: 20% off, or : buy this and we'll send funds to breast cancer research (see previous posts for beef with scientists who have yet to really cure anything...).

but to think the ad world is coming to a crossroads (that everyone needs to change everything about themselves at), at the sudden popularity (read: emergence) of a new medium/technique/ winning entry at Cannes... is a bit much.

so this new thing everyone is pushing, about making all brands your buddy/enabler/ticket to freedom or whatever, is (soon to be, if not already:) bull shit.

at the end of the day (and i hate that i use that term, because it's only caught on since my immersion into "working life", where such key phrases like that and : "moving forward", "learnings" and my all time favorite: "best practices", are used way too often to seem like we speak "client talk" ), we need to sell more tampons/shampoo/newspapers/cars etc...

go about it as you wish, but keep a leveled head.

i can't have 500 friends. i may need my juice to just be my juice. orange tasting. cheap. available at my grocery store. in nice packaging, and maybe down the line even made with real oranges.

Apple can come out and try and be your buddy. because Microsoft is big and cold. but you need one for the other to exist. you can't have 17 soft drink brands talking in the hottest new slang to you about yet another version of the x-games they are sponsoring or whatever. some need to simply say they are lemon tasting and sell for a dollar.

it may depend on brand life cycle, market conditions, brand manager's ego or whatever, but some brands should be taken for the ride and others not.

let some brands continue doing what they do best. which is delivering on product.

so that we can let the others go out and break the mold.

otherwise we all look like a bunch of fools trying to make a spectacle of everything.

the end of an era?

2008-12-03T01:20:00.002+04:00

Rappers (AGAIN ? man i really wish i was black), used to speak about gettin' "Oprah money".

as a reference to the most successful black woman/person in North America, financially, she became an icon amongst her peers, as a symbol for success.

but it seems things have changed.

credit crunch. (which on a side note has become my favorite comeback for any question i have no answer for, job left aside, reason why i don't call friends anymore ...)

The US Intgelligence predicts massive transfer of wealth from the West to the East over the next 20 years .

and it seems like Busta Rhymes new song (which has GOT to be some sort of covert-subliminal tourism ad for Saudi Arabian beach resorts or smething) "arab money" drives that point.

check the lyrics...

I got Oil Well money in the desert playin Golf

Dont ??? with a Louis Scarf

Chest cold diamonds make a --- wanna cough

In Dubai 20 million on a few lofts

I stay up in da club ------

The way i make the people wanna sing the hook in Arabic

again, typical rapper raping about things he's got that you don't, but mentioning Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal al Saud in a post-9/11 world says quite a bit about how the world turns and is gonna be from now on.

good for us. (i moved here, and now Busta made it popular, so yah. us. i'm an a-rab too now)

Sheesha

2008-11-08T00:31:00.003+04:00

Warning: i dissociate myself from anything i have ever signed, looked at , been hired to do etc...

before i write some awkward shit

Disclaimer: i'm smoking a sheesha right now at ali amarsy headquarters right off sheikh zayed road.

(assume that this area covers 10% of my blog post please)

ok.....so we knew this one was coming up.

about what has basically become my girlfriend since i moved here.

sheesha. or hookah. or argileh. or hubbly bubbly.

whoever came up with that last one deserves to be shot. but is also the reason why this post is relevant. cuz you know, white people can't pronounce ethnic things.

normally i would be nice enough to have this sentence begin with: for those of you who don't know what sheesha is... bla bla bla

if you don't know, fucking google it. you're no friend of mine.

what's peculiar about sheesha, is that it has had a resurgence recently with younger people, and the a-rabs have nothing to do with it. well not the real ones.

my lebo friends look at me funny when i say i smoke sheesha, because apparently its for old people. but then again they're lebos and they're too trendy for me.

sheesha has become extremely popular in the west, and in our facebooking-blogging-flickr culture, the popularity has come back full circle to its roots here in the middle east.

building on the popularity of hip hop, the sopranos and marijuana in pop culture, sheesha is allowing your average joe a moment of being "a Don", the mob boss, or "soooooo buzzed".

apart for being an excellent way to digest food and thoughts, with a level of satisfaction only equaled by the sense of fulfillment felt when pulling out that booger you've been wrestling with for the last hour, sheesha allows for great photo opportunities.

photos that make their way to facebook. you know, to make yourself look like a gangsta.

so target audience? people "who don't smoke", but are curious, university students indulging in anything that can be lit and shoved in their mouth, and wannabes.

no one has actually done in depth research on the harmfulness (is that a word?) of the stuff , so it generally remains a grey area. everyone has their sources on how many times worse it is than cigarettes, which are promptly retorted with facts about the lack of tar in the mix, but no one really regulates it.

so it's fair game.

which is why it has become popular.

sheesha gives you all the perceived coolness of making smoke, without the hit to your conscience about the damages to your health.

this creates a space in people's minds that allows the most conservative do-gooders to explore their aspiration to seem like a bad ass for a moment. without being caught by the parents with a pack of cigarettes in their pocket when they get home.

this observation may be of no use to tobacco companies because they are so regulated and watched. but it can be for brands for other products, who can allow you to live out your little fantasy for a minute...

that was (awe)some free strategy for you right there...

now go use that and don't forget where you heard it when you tell your boss you know a guy with sweet dance moves and some thoughts.

the change is in your pocket

2008-11-01T03:22:00.004+04:00

ok. no pressure America, but the global community's fate seems to be in your hands.

people, mostly tourists, have been ranting about this "global economic crisis" as the hot new topic.

here in Dubai, we don't understand what the hell you're talking about...

although i heard we might get mildly hit by all this. considering the people in charge here have a hand in a lot of international failing businesses.

so let me try and relate.

suddenly, we're all poor. suddenly, we hear about people having to sell off their 3rd car, to make ends meet. companies that have been around for hundreds of years attracting some of the most intelligent douchebags from our faculty of finance, are closing down. Governments are speaking of the worst economic climate since the great depression, and are countering it with billions of dollars in aid.

Basically shit has hit the fan.

now i have no real opinion on how this all happened, since i skim through headlines and as mentioned throughout my blog, chose not to show up to economics class. proof of this point, was an interview a buddy of mine hooked up for me at Fortis Banque here in dubai, which i gladly went to with the hopes of doubling the offers i had already gotten from the ad world, which ended up in one of the hardest hits to my ego. ever. (no disrespect to my ruthless ex girlfriends and their high standards for sexual partners).

i left that one (actually both those situations) crying.

so i don't know what got us here really.

but i do know what will get us out of it.

because basically, it's not like all that money vanished into thin air, well not all of it.

it's still around. it's just not being generated.

please don't rush to action and call up your local senator and push him to make your central bank print more money, because you'll end up with ridiculous inflation rates. (something we here in the desert CAN relate to. considering rent takes up about 66% of your salary when you make the fortune i do. oh and expect luxuries such as "own bathroom").

what basically can get things going is consumer and investor confidence.

what we need is to get money moving again. velocity of money, and the assumption that money will be exchanged more freely is what made us all so rich in the first place.

most of the money lost in all this bull shit was fake. make belief. milli vanilli.

it was all created by speculation on perceived value, potential value and in some cases, delusions of scarcity.

so what could possibly get people to BELIEVE again?

well how about we rescue the world's most failing brand (a part for Microsoft, but that's jsut because they asked for it): AMERICA.

this is the ultimate trend setter, our guiding star and overall champion.

with the opportunity people have now, to elect a new CEO, they can give this brand a facelift. and a major tan.

just like any other company, the core people stay put, as they will in the american government. and outside circumstances aren't affected by the choice of a leader. so for argument's sake, we can assume that no matter who is picked, events will occur and be dealt with pretty similarly.

but it's the guy whose mouth you're going to have to hear about it all that's going to change everything.

a young and charismatic guy fighting for the middle class (which is basically where all the mobile money is kept and spent) will give you that extra boost of positivity.

he will make people feel like they and their interests are being heard and dealt with now that one of them is in power.

and this should give us the comfort and confidence we need to go out and work, spend, live and ultimately prosper.

so no pressure america, but if you want to get yours and our acts together, use your right to vote for the one you feel will get us out of this shit faster.

writing copy for Real Estate

2008-10-07T01:58:00.005+04:00

BOOYA

it's cityscape in dubai.

it's the most important 4 days of the year that was and the year to come for real estate in a city based on "broberty" (pronounced property in english). so as you guessed it, everything is upside down, the city is going loco and traffic near the trade center (ie. the heart of dubai) is hell.

welcome to the jungle mothafucka.

it's a great time to be in town because it's a time when all the mega-gigantic deals you hear about in the news, happen.

bold prediction 1: some dude will break a record with some crazy idea for a tower.

bold prediction 2: there will be an all time high for transactions

duh.

that's how we roll.

every year.

so taking all of the above into consideration, where it comes down to the point where our lives depend on mega launches such as Cityscape, you'd think that we'd have our brightest minds at work on developing communication/strategy for it.

who knows, maybe we do. and they're all smoking the same cheap grass.

because all their copy is identical.

ATTENTION REAL ESTATE DEVELOPERS: feel free to use my newwest creation: the "REAL ESTATE COPY GENERATOR 2000" below at your convenience, simply leave me 5$ for my genius.

come live life at (give the random name of your project. extra points if it ends with heights or views), at the (pick either waterfront or heart of new city within city) and inspire (a word no property copy can apparently exist without) true luxury (my GOD i'm sick of that term).

voila.

every fucking radio ad, billboard and abnoxious south african real estate agent around me, are vomiting this on to me in my day to day dubailife. (yah i own that term bitches. it basically designates the step above: "goodlife", but means "making ends meet while you gawk at bentleys on the highway to your "normallife" job")

can't we do better?

tell me about what makes this a sound investment in such harsh global times, tell me which amenities you offer (because as you will come to understand if you move here, the word luxury can mean all-24 karat-gold sink but also 6 bedroom villa shared with 31 strangers and their unique smells), your commitment to delivering a quality product, the materials you use, the location, the projected value increase over time ... something else please.

maybe simply why you're better than every other chump talking at me? but let's take baby steps please.

let's take these moments we have in traffic on our way in/out of Dubai Trade Center to reflect on the shit we have produced and perhaps brainstorm about the substance we could create with more thought (or good old differentiation) backing our lines.

the struggle with being #1

2008-09-27T03:55:00.002+04:00

one thing people don't realize is that it's tuff being the shit.

just ask microsoft, as they release the third direction of ads they paid 300 million dollars to create, just to fight apple's "i'm a mac, i'm a pc " ads . (probably the last moodboard the agency presented just to justify the hours they billed where they were actually surfing youtube... and which they had to begrudgingly implement because all that browsing didn't help them in any way make microsoft cool)

Sadly, three strikes and you're OUT

You KNOW you're throwing in the towel when you have to save your ass by directly answering your competitor's ad, by trying to talk your way out of the last time they ridiculed you.

this basically brings it down to a battle between agencies. who's copywriter can win this tickle fight?

communication should at least boast SOMETHING about the product, and make you want to buy it! not just a reponse in a david and goliath diss-fight promoted globaly.

but microsoft asked for this one. they just couldn't handle apple ripping them on national tv (and in very cool digital ads), so their egos got hurt, and they decided to answer with their wallets.

but you know, it's tuff being number one.

being number two is so much easier. because you know who you have to beat, and you can create niches within the gaps of your market leader. the next steps are drawn out for you, all you have to do is bitch about it.

and who doesn't love an underdog? so you know you'll get the pity attention...

yes apple has cooler ilife software, but good luck running wall street with an iMac, using excel and powerpoint on a macbook, or hell even typing an email on an iPhone (i suffer from fat finger syndrome. it's a condition. and has nothing to do with my consumption of fast food)

so apple knows it's strengths are limited but it capitalizes on the few advantages it has over microsoft and rips them openly about it. yey.

but who is microsoft competing with? who is google fending off? tobasco? ykk zippers (i swear, they're everywhere and you probably never noticed. that dude must be riiich)

number 1's are competing with themselves. they need to always become better. pushing r&d, marketing (which is why i think its wrong to always fire your marketing people first in times of tight cash) and strategy, to outdo themselves.

they need to lead the way.

and that's a tough task on its own. so why pay (pun intended. oh yes i'm a funny guy) attention to the little rogue company that defines itself by being what you're not?

yes, you can say that repeated attacks can lead to an erosion of your market share, negative perceptions of your brand and a future where you could be number 2.

but you can't hope to win the race by making others lose. you have to focus on winning and being your (the) best.

you can't afford to respond to each and every crack your competitors see in your empire . it's inefficient and short sighted. you need to keep on doing your thing. so they pick up the crumbs.

paul allen: go get a refund at CP+B, get to inventing some crazy shit that will really help the most of us, while others continue boasting how they can help the few of us.

they say it's more difficult holding top spot than earning it, but i think it's just tuff remembering what got you to the top when your ego is the only thing you want to protect once you get there.

hopefully microsoft will learn from this embarrassment and put their sorry campaign to rest.

why my agency should fire me

2008-09-25T01:11:00.006+04:00

warning: don't ACTUALLY fire me, i still have big plans for myself with you, and i'm guessing you can't get many other washed-up ex-child geniuses on your staff at my hourly wage...so win-win for all of us boss

my agency should fire me because i moved to dubai to work and make money (it's all about the benjamins baby - puff daddy. classssic).

my agency should fire me because i don't speak arabic and that leaves me working in the dark sometimes (i swear, if i didn't have my sweet lebo friends around to read arabized copy for me once in a while, i could be sending clients falafel stand menus for all i know.)

Most people probably moved to Dubai because they googled "urban legends about average joes becoming filthy rich without lifting a finger", and fell upon a "visit dubai" website where they explain the abundance of "investors" (ie. rich arab dudes, who people keep on underestimating...) and a scarcity of land (yo beotch look to the south and west... see that sand? that's land. land you could build on, you know, to cure the "lack" of property in the city).

and then they end up here, looking to make that money as fast as possible, live a luxurious lifestyle with amazing service, shitty food (yes restaurants in dubai all suck) and nice cars ( i drive a honda accord, not so much of a head-turner but DEFINITELY a chick magnet), with hopes of ultimately going back to their home countries re-invented, and wealthier.

Some people might say that's great, because it keeps the average population of Dubai young and active, while spreading positive perceptions of the Emirate.

but i say no.

these people (myself included), do not interact at all with local culture or society. they have no incentive to settle down here (assuming they are singles), contribute to their social environment (explaining why neighbors don't talk to each other in this city) or take anything but cash from the local scene.

it should be made mandatory that everyone take a few classes and a simple conversational exam in arabic, before being hired.

some would say : "no, no, no that's a barrier to entry for potential young professionals to move here" or "we can't force people to learn basic arabic against their will!"

well, yes you can.

you see, i was brought up in quebec, where the "loi 101" ruled all at a certain point.

basically, it says everything should be printed in french twice as big as it is in english, french is the official language of quebec, and education in french would become the norm.

english people hate it. it forces immigrant families to move to other big cities in Canada and make us the black sheep of north america (unless if you count the 5-10 people who still speak french in Louisianna. *great moment to drop a Katrina joke, but's hurricane season and it would be insensitive*). but it keeps the soul of our province alive and us aware of the heritage of the place we have chosen to live in.

Dubai can bank on the "if you build it...they will come", because they have fucking BUILT IT.

they've created a twilight zone within the most conservative, tumultuous, hated and wealthy regions of the world, allowing multinationals and other citizens of the world to flourish in.

people WILL come.

so why not have them respect their hosts and learn how to carry a simple conversation with them to thank them for what they have given them and potentially give back to their society once they feel they are a part of it.

on a side note, i do steal pens from work. uh oh.

corporate conformity

2008-09-18T01:37:00.014+04:00

ohhh this is one i've been dying to bitch about

you see, recently i grew up.

i went from being the guy who drove dad's car to university in pajamas to somewhat attend class, coast through exams and spend my days dreaming about being a millionaire by 25, to driving dad's car to my job, where i had a schedule, responsibilities, targets and worst of all, my employers image to upkeep.

i worked in a bank. wearing suits and ties. using a windows PC. signing off every communication with some form of regards.

ugh. what a drag.

i told my self: "that's not me!", "i'm no square!"..."i'm a mother fucking genius who's going to have 1 million dollars drop into my lap within 3 years!"

well... not so much.

the MAN turned me into what i had feared most as a child following my mom to meetings and helping run our family business - the guy in the suit behind the bland desk talking shit about interest rates (a serious point must be made here, our banker was actually a pretty cool guy, i think he drove a thunderbird and had sex with our secretary ... but still, wore a tie)

how did this happen?

i had learnt about economic theories (would have loved to plug in the name of a major economist there, but sadly am drawing a blank - hopefully my parents, who financed my studies amongst many many other things, don't read that line), and wrote papers about world politics (that i did, but used wikipedia as a reference - apparently a no-no in the academic world (fools), and structured it as a rant/rap without a chorus/high school essay), all to find myself working at my neighborhood bank ? (other serious note - i loved the people there, who were very happy for me when i told them i was moving to dubai to work in advertising - my childhood dream as corny as it may sound - thanks a lot "what women want" for all those misconceptions!)

and i went through all the motions i see my younger sister currently going through with her first job (which by the way pays her more than i currently earn, if she hasn't told you already or you haven't overheard from her screaming it on dubai rooftops)

first you like it. you're making money, and it's all gravy (keep in mind dad's car = dad's everything else)
then you realize there's certain tasks you hate doing (in my case anything involving procedures, paperwork, discipline, organization or numbers - which is why banking was a dream job!)
then you bitch about what they make you do. to your parents. who go through much worse. to feed your spoiled ass. oh and pay for the luxury SUV you parade in (see how i plugged in the fact that my dad's a baller in there?).
but they listen because they love you (and more so in my case because they're awesome. oh and cuz they're looking for the smallest crack to pounce on you to convince you to work with them NOW. just jokes... they've given me timelines for that)
and then, when you've realized you have a captive audience you start rambling about how the job is "not you" and what you would change (if you're not too much of a dreamer who wants bean bags, no walls and live music, one of the first thing to go is the wardrobe)
then you start job hunting. for something where you can be yourself, dress the way you like and be treated like a hero (it has come to my attention that this utopian job description does exist, it's called being a creative in an ad agency, but you need to know photoshop for that - ouch)

it's said that the relaxing of dress-codes on wall street gave traders the same satisfaction (or should i say utility - economics term right there! looks like not all of my parents cash spent on me was a waste in the last 23 years) as a 5000$ bonus.

(bet the guys at Morgan Stanley, Lehman Brothers and Merril Lynch would dress in drag these days for 5000$ - oh you americans and your recession!)

Now i have some reservations in regards to the above fact:

1-the asshole already earns 100 000$ minimum, an the average bonus last year at goldman sachs was 600 000$+, so what's 5 ooo? eh?

2-this will work once. it's not some managerial game of strip poker that will give you a boat load of top tier traders in their briefs (yeah those sickoes wear tighty whities) making the world go 'round for 20 000$ a year

anyways...

you look for a job with all of the cool things you see in the movies or hear about from your friends about their cousin's neighbor's sister's job - which if even barely realistic is one in a million and only exists because she's a bombshell who can do nothing but entertain strangers in the top clubs of the world ... with hopes of landing the job on the other side, where obviously the grass is much greener (and hopefully consumed - you drug addict teens)

but this is where the real growing up begins.

you realize, that at best, it's the same shit with a different wrapper.

your dream situation does not exist!

you have to come to accept the deception (which should be the real definition of maturity - one who has come to deal with deception stemming from his/her childhood misconceptions with a varying degree of ease), that the only way you are going to survive as a functioning member of society, is by being swallowed into the corporate world.

a world in which you bend your self and numb your unique persona into the cookie-cutter mold that is required to be able to interact with those who will from then on run your life...or sign your pay checks in one way or another.

even worse, you'll find yourself SMS-ing your buddies with opening lines such as:

as discussed earlier... we shall go find hot chicks tonight and try to sleep with them

in regards to your previous message... about the prostitutes we will be hiring tonight, i am definitely up for it

that's when you'll know that corporate conformity is settling in, and you're selling your soul/childhood/opportunity at enjoying life, for about 20$ an hour (once again, just a fraction of what my younger sister earns, if you haven't heard)

but there is hope my friends, that doesn't involve becoming a hippie or "freelancer" as they like to be called in our political correct society.

it's your little forms of rebellion, your little moments of glory, that make you feel like you're the shit when you're pounding away at your IBM thinkpad, catering to the needs of the next chump you were hired to look after....

you untuck your shirt every once in a while. (and breath a massive sigh of relief at the end of the day when the managing director of the office didn't cross paths with you that day/hour)
you start using slang in your emails. (like Hey, what's up or crap - which is very taboo and edgy and should only be used in times of high-stress/closing of the yearly books)
you show up unshaven (a personal favorite- because my own mother couldn't get me to look like such a doofus everyday)
you take peeps at facebook while on the job (which kinda takes away the excitement -one of the few left in your life- of finding a full page of new retarded applications your friends added that day, when you come home)
you prolong lunch (uhhh sorry boss there was traffic/a problem at the ATM/ a new waitress ... u know you do it too!)

and the list goes on....

so you find small pleasures in your new cage (get comfortable motherfucker, retirement is at 65, and your parents are probably going to cut you off once you get your own kids to put up with), and you hope you've gotten a bit closer to the dream jobs the people on FRIENDS must have to spend their entire day in a coffee shop... and you just keep on going.

Kindest/Warmest/Dearest Regards

the Dubai dream

2008-09-11T22:20:00.004+04:00

my parents moved to North America, for opportunity, a better life and all that american dream stuff... but minus the crime and guns...GO CANADA

this defined the west to the world.

my generation, the one after generation X, a population growing up in times of overall prosperity and extremes of wealth globally, arguably grew up in the Rap/Hollywood/Dot Com Billionaire dream.... where huge amounts of cash were very possible dreams, and images/success stories of the same were blasted at you several times a day

moving to Dubai has introduced us to a new dream...

It seems everyone in this city subconsciously believes it will become a reality, and international observers (a part for those big old banks and investment firms... but what do they know...) think everyone comes to the land of the biggest this and the tallest that for guaranteed results in what i like to call... the Dubai Illusion

Disclaimer: perhaps this "business model" worked in the past, but as someone who proudly failed microeconomics, so therefore took it TWICE (so that really gave it time to sink in), i doubt it is something your average Joe can expect to achieve now

This is the illusion where:

a) your driving down the road, you see a man in a dish dash with a flat tire, you help him out, he takes your contact info, he ends up being one of the Sheikh's family members, and he sets you up for life and you live happily ever after ....

probability of it happening? nearly nil

how many times have you heard an urban legend of it happening? like 10 times

how far does this story reach? the region (because Dubai is the envy of all)

b) you come here, with some or no cash, you invest in real estate, you wait as if standing in front a microwave, and presto chango you sell it to the next shmuck for double the price and you walk off with a stack full of cash.

to make things even better, the next fool can follow the same procedure and also double his money

it's like there's no supply or demand in the Emirate! all you have to do is pass on the hot potato

probability of it happening? well considering the global recession, the current prices of real estate and the actual low rates of morons with millions of dollars... very small

how many times have you heard an urban legend about this? about once a meal with whomever you decide to eat (you can also double your results by doing what i do, zoning out your dinner partner to listen in on what the white guy next to you is busting out to try and impress the sweet blonde with him)

How far this story has spread? globally. oh and some of these mega projects you can also see from space... so i guess that means the martians are in on this shit as well.

and it's for this reason that everyone in Dubai is a freelance real estate broker, just like the stereotype about everyone in LA being a writer/actor waiting to make you read his script or audition in your movie.

But how can we all be that genius who:

a)is able to outsmart everyone and keep flipping apartments without ending up with something we will ACTUALLY wait and see through completion, or even worse live in/rent out like in a normal real estate market!

b)is selling properties to those elusive but apparently way-too-weaalthy-for-their-own-good investors. a word used so often around my neighbors' dinner tables that i want to stab them.

blonde: so Jim how do you plan on getting your master real estate scheme to make millions off the ground?

Jim: investors baby

Brunette: so Kumar, with such big ideas to build a plot full of high rise towers, how will you be able to afford all this?

Kumar: investors (accompanied by our signature indian whirly horizontal head nod which means nothing and everything all at once)

ARGHHH

who are we to underestimate the local and global economic heavy hitters, that they will a) finance our mess by accepting to be that last guy who snaps up your overpriced apartment that has the same floor plan as the rest of the city's 1 bedrooms and b) clean it up?! by allowing us to all go home rich without having to contribute to the host society/economy

Yes, Dubai is a paradise because the weather is vacation like 10 months of the year, the ruler is one of the greatest leaders of our time, there are no taxes (yet), we get the best of both East and West, and yes there is a huge amount of wealth passing through and being invested in what is the (knock on wood) safest place in the middle east... but we can't possibly believe this Dubai illusion (= american dream in fast forward, on steroids and back with a vengeance) is actually real!

As a result, inflation is at a crazy high, people move to the city with the wrong expectations, and your waiter asks you if you want to buy an apartment in JBR, because he's got a good one at a good price...

Sovereign Wealth funds are looking outside the region to diversify their portfolios, because they too must realize that things are getting out of whack when a newcomer has to drop 2000$ US a month for a very mediocre apartment that triples the rental allowance his employer gives him, because the owner needs to make more return on his investment here than if he had jsut left it at the bank...

the money to be made now is in making this place worth living in, by providing services, making Dubai an attractive tourist destination, developing cultural and leisure activities, pushing young locals to make names for themselves globally, to let Dubai itself live the global-scaled american dream (where every little country can be all it can be as long as it works hard ... i'm guessing)

that's the wave people moving here should want to ride.

History is still rising in front of our eyes, we just may have to lessen our expectations and realize that you have to work and be intelligent in this part of the world too, it's not the jackpot its made out to be on the outside.

2 months till the ultimate power of street culture gets tested

2008-09-09T21:52:00.004+04:00

so president Bush's reign is coming to an end

positive sign: he became THE most famous person on the planet (to the point that my seven year old cousin has become a political critic with his "George Bush is such an idiot" quotes he stole from his mother)

negative: well people are fighting, dying, starving and looking for the nearest floating device...all in the wealthiest civilization known to Man!

now who to pick? McCain the maverick-turned-suit Republican? or Barack "i'm black" Obama?

the choice is yours America (eventhough i have always felt the world should have a say in the American election... you know, cuz they run shit - says the guy living in a country where the currency's been taking a nosedive because of pegging to the almighty dollar)

but rapstars seem to be getting into the mix a bit more this time around (better than Diddy's - vote o' die muthafuckaz from a few years back ... possibly the dumbest call to action ever conceived... ugh )

Young Jeezy, not to be confused with his father - simply Jeez, i'm guessing, and Nas have come together to make the track - My president is Black. and i quote:

Tell Him Im Doin Fine Obama For Mankind
We Ready For Damn Change So Ya'll Let The Man Shine
Stuntin On Martin Luther Feelin Just Like A King
Guess Dis Is What He Meant When He Said Dat He Had A Dream

(...)

Mr Black President Yeah Obama Fa Real

They Gotta Put Ya Face On The $5000 Dollar Bill

pretty clear it seems. a black guy is running for the most powerful job on the planet... rappers are feeling they should get involved. everyone seems to be in on it.

a part for the king of raggeaton - Daddy Yankee... who went astray and endorsed McCain...only to get an immediate smack upside the head from Fat Joe

i guess we'll get an idea of how much pull this sub culture-turned-global culture really has... not that it'll confirm that lil Wayne is amongst the most powerful men in the world at the moment, but this could be the flexing of the muscle that proves hip hop is a heavy weight masses should look out for.

quote of the day:

2008-08-31T00:20:00.003+04:00

from Mad Men (the show about advertising, with the extremely hot blonde and redhead):

Physician (trying to get to know Pete Campbell the Account Executive):

Advertising, that must be fun!

Pete Campbell:

Are you kidding?!

i'm an account man
i spend half my day tip-toeing around creative cry babies
the other half drinking with ungrateful turnips who just fell off the truck

i'm completely replaceable

even though i just brought in a huge account!

shit bro.

note to marketers: there's more to Ramadan than crescents

2008-08-29T14:22:00.003+04:00

an early Ramadan Kareem to you (oh my god this whole moving to the middle east thing is totally sinking in)

welcome to the desert. it's like christmas meets khannukka (i don't need to know how to spell that now that i live here) on steroids. basically what the family on the OC had to invent chrismukka to compete with.

Approximately one billion people (and growing, keep makin' babies indonesia and south of lebanon) celebrate it, and with wealth centers like Dubai, Kuala Lumpur and Jeddah rising, it has become big business.

but one thing that is really starting to bother me is the copy-paste formula that brands are using to create communication for this event. (u know, so they can seem like they're in the know..just not)

everyone makes their prouct do something in the shape of a crescent moon and considers the job done. here's an example by VW and one by Etihad Airways. real original.

every agency does it.

why?

with so many arabs running the show, or at least people having experienced ramadan indirectly, can't we do better?

people and the industry have spoken, we can get away from the crescent and do some original and insightful stuff!

TONIC dubai won awards for their Nando's ad. it was fun. playing with the whole anticipation for sunset angle.

it's an obvious sign that it's OK to try something a bit more daring and risk connecting with people.

not everyone should start making jokes about what for muslims is a few hours of abstinence to feel the pain of the less fortunate and be closer to God by reading the Quran or deepening their knowledge about Islam, but there is more play than busting out the conventional: "here is your crescent, we're with you for this month, please don't forget to buy our shit when things get back to normal after the Eid break".

How about we look at giving, sharing, contemplation, knowledge, education, family time, iftaar time, prayer...SOMETHING

Ramadan is more than these stupid ads with crescents. it's a change in lifestyle that demands a change in voice. not a quick fix solution to remind people why you abruptly put on the breaks on your creativity and overall purpose to consumers!

the same thought brand mangers have when they say: "yo agency, let's do something for ramadan" should be followed by : "ramadan is a great shared experience, let's let our brand feel the experience too and show the world how we really feel and hope they relate to it".

what if Macy's or Gap just said: merry christmas. and that was it.

the white man would be pissed! and feel alienated.

good thing they go a step further, observe the tradition and draw insights form it, leading to acts like offering gift wrapping, promoting customized return policies, add value by creating a mood in stores, having famous artists adapt their work to complement products...

ramadan shouldn't be seen as a time when business is slow and half your staff is working shortened hours while the other half is looking for undercover areas to get a few cigarette puffs, it's a defining time in the arab calendar and should be treated as such.

let's get a move on arabia, we've got some catching up to do.

Quote of the day:

2008-08-25T20:52:00.002+04:00

"We like Michael (Jackson) so much, that we let the first kid sliiiide... another kid Mike?"

-Chris Rock (when referring to MJ's most recent child abuse case)

guess that goes to show you what popularizing the moonwalk, making MTV what it is today and basically being an inspiration to all artists topping the charts today will buy you

some stuff you just can't buy

2008-08-24T23:59:00.002+04:00

July 11th, the launch of the iPhone 3G was every marketer's wet dream come true.

people lining up like starved animals for a product that was in no way limited in stock or radically different than others in the market

everyone just wanted to be the first to have one it seems... (or maybe being part of a line up is cool nowadays, in the post-PS3 launch era, where being first can pay off both financially and socially)

that was also the day i first heard of lieneblogging (really???? come on ... go do something productive like rant/blog about branding to your mother/only reader like I do, then we'll talk)... so maybe it's the cool new thing to do (ah youngsters today and their pastimes)

anyways, back to marketers sitting around drooling at the opportunity to use their subtle (not really) messages to turn us into sheep and crave their stuff like its crack....

Orange Poland tried re-creating that, by hiring actors to line up.

huh.

there so many things that are wrong/weak/stupid with that, that i won't go there...

but the moral of the story is you can't just spend money and make your wet dreams come true

word of mouth, real buzz and hype are one of the only weapons the common man has left in the battle against super intelligent marketing tactics, and they cannot be bought or re-created genuinely ... yet. so let's not tell our customers-to-be that they're just a bunch of followers just yet Mr. polish Orange man.

it's a bird...it's a plane

2008-08-24T23:00:00.002+04:00

every brand (and brand manger....noone knows which came first, it's one of those chicken and the egg riddles) wants to be Superman.

to swoop in, save (ideally the most attractive) people in distress and be recognized for it with cult-like followings, hot girlfriends (check out the girl playing Lois Lane on Smallville... wow) and a recognizable logo/name that people associate with something you did for them.

well start lining up, we've definitely got an emergency on our hands.

Airlines want to charge you for snacks/pillows/water/every piece of shit quality product they gave you before and you took for granted (how the fuck can you charge for those disgusting meals that come packaged in those humid little piece of crap tins dripping onto your 25 square centimeters of personal space?)

ironically this is all the fault of someone else trying to save people from paying through the nose to travel. go jazeera airways.

these are the things major carriers have to do to be able to have fares comparable to those of the Ryanairs and Jetblues of this world.

so what are brands waiting for?

they could subsidize the costs of tickets, therefore making demand rise, keeping cashflow high within the carriers, leading to economies of scale or just plain old survival... all while being able to speak to people who obviously have SOME sort of disposable income, time on their hands and who've just been given the shaft by the MAN.

Westin has already begun giving pillows and blankets on US Airway flights (pretty insightful, since those traveling need hotels most, as well as sleep, but the coolest thing they have done is trademark their bed and pillows - fucking genius move that allows them to do things like this)

what's to stop Mcdonald's from customizing happy meals for long journeys, with toys that keep kids busy longer

Itunes from offering customized playlists, e-books etc tailored to the trip

Marlboro from developing a chewable tobacco keeping the flavor and nicotine of their famous cigarettes all while playing by the rules?

Sparco from buying out a row of seats, replacing it with their super comfortable new racing seat for people to try out

etc...

the possibilities are endless for product extensions... but it's just as infinite for communication considering:

a plane is a blank canvas untouched by the disease that is marketing and communication
the audience has money to spend
they're not going anywhere (that was a pretty witty comment on my part because it's true AND ironic...my god i put a lot of effort into soething only my mother reads)
when you're stuck in the same seat for 7 hours you find yourself reading anything and everything (i know i read the "lifejacket under the armrest sign like 40 times/plane ride) in sight, because you'll talk to anyone at that point... even good old Cap'n Crunch giving away free cereal on this morning's flight

the opportunity is there...

perhaps the turbulence you just encountered was brought to you by Trojan Condoms?

where have all the research dollars gone?

2008-08-20T20:08:00.002+04:00

guess what it's almost breast cancer month.

i am unsure when AIDS day/month/fest is, but they make quite a bit of noise to raise funds for that illness too.

Disclaimer: both those and other major illnesses are fucked up, and facing them either directly or indirectly is probably the thing that scares me most, so don't try thinking i am mocking the illnesses themselves.

But fuck, someone has to do some accounting!

WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THAT MONEY GOING?

don't you think that with what Bill Gates contributed last year alone we would be living in a world without disease and with McDonald's that isn't bad for you (listen boys you need to invent that shit quick, let's make it: 1-AIDS 2-Cancers 3-Healthy McDonald's 4-The MidEast conflict)?

In a world where we feel like we have made a change by donating cash to anything with a recognizable charity logo on it, have we nurtured a commercialization of diseases, which puts finding the cure lower on the priority list?

Why do we have to throw a massive concert like LIVE8 to get people moving? i'd like to see that stats on the amount of people who attended to "Save Mama Africa", and how many went cuz a)it was where their dealer was going to be anyways b)they wanted to see their favorite artists play.

what has become of us if we need to be rewarded for our every action?

especially those of such nature?

it seems as though the culture of promotions, sales, free gifts with purchases and marketers worldwide fighting for our attention to the point that they would bribe us, have made us a population numb to human instincts of sharing and helping one another, only receptive to stimuli where we ask ourselves, what's in it for me?

i'm going to start my own research fund to "make McDonald's healthy" now.

Why Microsoft needs to make sure Suface is BAD ASS

2008-08-18T22:38:00.008+04:00

let's face it , when your company's founder is the richest man on the planet (ok may be not any more ... but keep reading), people will watch you very closely.

add to that anti-trust lawsuits, MS-DOS, run .dll files and the bitterness from the fact that you were not one of the genius few to invest in the company when it was first starting out...and you've got one of the most un-cool brands on the planet.

you are the big bad guy because people take it for granted that you come up with some of the most useful products they use several times a day, and they blame you for being too present in their lives.

but in our world where communication methods and content have become so insightful and fierce that we are sometimes manipulated into biting the hand that feeds us, Microsoft can't sit back and wait to be praised.

then comes in Apple Inc. with it's Mac vs PC ads, at a time where the iPod is king (michael phelps looks more naked without one than on the cover of men's health with his shirt off) and the Zune fails to catch on, and traditional societal structures are being bent in the name of lifestyle over suits, ties and and a cubicle.

Oh and your new CEO is a fucking spectacle

what can save your image ?

you call up CP+B. oh and you throw a 300 million $ account their way.

because they made burger king, volkswagen ad sprite cool.

and they duked it out to the very end with Fallon... so they must be good!

so you figure the marketing VP at microsoft thinks it's settled...everything should sort itself out with some magic creative dust.

Not so much. from what we have seen till now, with the teaser ads showing some christopher columbus bull shit, the mojave experiment (which can be summarized as a slap to the face to the general public, using methods from infomercials to show users that THEY are dumb to not have fallen in love with Vista, not Microsoft for making it suck so hard on day 1) and rumors of Johnny Knoxville as the spokesperson to star in the ads ... the creative once seen as advertising's Jesus, has a long way to go before making Microsoft cool (some might say he has a lot of work to do to get on people's good side after making them feel like moron's in the Mojave debacle...)

so as branding geeks you ask yourself: what could possibly fix things now? (assuming future CP+B creative will be as crappy as what we have seen till now)

and here's comes my cheap 2 cents wisdom (but if you're reading this you are my mother, so you do care what i think... thanks mummy) comes in:

Microsoft Surface ( the best way to save a brand is to start with a solid product WORTH communicating and building an image for). every little boy's wet dream.

like minority report. just cooler. and real.

this product NEEDS to become the next big thing in terms of delivery on its potential. to make up for all the flying cars, meal pills, world peace, jet pack and sex-android promises sci-fi made to us as children.

check it out. it's dope. you'll want one now. but will probably have to wait a couple of years.

Yes, Microsoft may have made computing available and mostly understandable to the masses, but it's been 20 years since they've knocked our socks off.

don't let some uber-cooler in a mac ad push you and your street cred around. you make the world go 'round godammit

show us where all that r+d goes (i know for sure it doesn't go into esthetics, or user interface, THAT's for sure... Vista's hideous).

it's time Microsoft flexes its muscle and redefines the way we do things once again, otherwise it just might go back to being as uncool as the Mac guy has made it out to be.

good luck redefining the way we live again big guy, your popularity in the proverbial schoolyard that is my and my peers' minds/hearts/wallets depends on it.

Quote of the day:

2008-08-15T10:22:00.001+04:00

"Masturbation just makes you introspective"

Gino "Holy Pimp" Elias

DUBAI will own you some day

2008-08-13T18:17:00.003+04:00

So "Dubai buys 20% of Cirque du Soleil" ... that's what the financial post fed the world on the 6th of august.

all part of a healthy diet of: "what are those crazy a-rabs up to today?"..."what have they swallowed with their oil money?"... "what ridiculous world record have they broken now?", that keeps the West's image of the big scary black hole that is dubai alive.

i mean they may be right. off the top of my head i can name the following major deals having gone down using the name DUBAI (for different amounts of ownership) :

Cirque du soleil
Chrysler tower
5% of sony
London stock exchange
Barney’s
travelodge
AMD
Ferrari
Carlyle groupe
and Spyker

people in the rest of the world seem to associate all investments made by Abu Dhabi or Dubai entities with DUBAI . ironic, because the poor guys (hah) next door in the UAE capital are making most of these major moves to dissociate themselves with their flashier cousins down the road.

DUBAI, not to be confused with Dubai, which can be found on google maps, has become a brand of its own. could we say the chrysler building was recently DUBAI-ed? ( pronounced: dub - AYE-'d , from the name of the emirate Dubai, and the french sound effect AYE, heard when people owning something of perceived value are slapped in the face with a wad of cash, ended with the " 'd" from the popular MTV show Punk'd, where stars are caught off guard, kind of like the other guy who probably had been begging the Louvre to open in his hometown only to see it go to Abu Dhabi)

people are hearing about DUBAI.

it's got the global mine-is-bigger-than-yours complex, the cash to make it happen and a "chip on it's shoulder that's more like a brick or a boulder" (© Jay Z).

this brand is in a very delicate situation, where it cannot be perceived as the beast from the middle east swallowing everything in sight, or the heathen of the GCC, allowing un-islmaic behavior to become the norm in the name of making a buck.

they owe it to the hype that has gone so far as to be mentioned on the OC and Entourage and makes the headlines at least once a day, to show constant economic growth and an inviting environment for foreigners.

with proper navigation through these times of global economic woes, being able to keep the brand intact and the face of prosperity a household name, Dubai may be able to achieve "Paris-New York-London"-type notoriety it has been looking to achieve with all these major moves.

Quote of the day:

2008-08-08T18:28:00.004+04:00

"FOG IS JUST ONE BIG LAZY CLOUD"

-Elliott "sweetmove"Bastien

Chris Brown's "Forever" -i feel blind-sided

2008-08-07T19:21:00.005+04:00

the piece on burberry's below analyzed how artists use brands as metaphors in their songs.

so instead of saying:

"yo i got a nice house, no mortgage, many automobiles and a comfortable situation financially, considering the social projects i was brought up in..." they say: "yo bitch i rock GUCCI"

and i'm cool with that.

i'd love to be the brand manager on LV right now getting free publicity all over the place

but then this shit happens. (chris brown's hit new single: "forever")

this:

good song (don't deny it. u just want to get fucked up and hear this at 2 am while you stand on a table in some club this weekend)
obvious tribute to michael jackson
new proof that chris brown has stolen dance moves from yours truly

...is TAINTED

listen closely...

he mentions "double your pleasure double your fun"... the tag line for Wrigley's double mint gum since the beginning of time .

first, i gave him the benefit of the doubt... i figured the video must have some threesome scene or some shit.

nope.

nothing. (double disappointment)

he just plugged in his sponsors line into his song, without a logical reason to do so... (artistically... u know cuz ur still an artist right?)

Wrigley's came out a few weeks later to reveal that this is part of their hip-hop-ifying for 3 of their brands (by Jay z's -AGAIN?!, ad agency Translation).

now we have kids and extremely cool adults (yours truly) singing this ad for Wrigley's without knowing it, worldwide (the track is like on every chart).

this is an embarrassment.

i would normally elaborate in some sarcastic run-on sentence about how ripped off i feel right now but ... my thunder is gone

it's wrong.

we've hit a new low. global warming is looking like a blip on the radar next to this debacle.

"say what you want about my mother but not about my brand"

2008-08-03T20:12:00.003+04:00

When I was a kid, some fool came to me while stranded at a wedding or something (a great way for Indian kids to hate their parents and culture all at once), and started talking smack about my SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System, which is pretty much the reason why I had no (girl)friends, till my mom let me drive her car to school that is); and I swear I had never been so hurt (keep in mind that I was like 10 and had already faced the little racist kids at my summer camp and was already amongst the rounder of individuals at the time…so you can imagine the emotional traumas I had already been through, so for his to rank number 1, the kid must have been HARSH).

That mofo was rocking Sega Genesis, and felt the need to elaborate on how the graphics, games and developers for Nintendo were just not as good (but in 10 year old language…giving us: “nintendo sucks fat boy!”). I mean he had Mortal Kombat (I had Street Fighter. The dopest game on the planet. ever.), bla bla bla- this is where I zoned out and stopped listening, dinner was probably being served or something.

But you have to ask yourself, what made me place my own selfworth (very low back then) and pride (equally low) in a brand and product I had no control over? To the point that MY feelings were hurt because my system was not the top one…

You could also ask yourselves Why people take it personally when you disrespect their sports team?
I mean , they’re not on the field, don’t own the team or benefit financially (the only benefit anyone should really care about… yes, capitalism is the new black here in the middle east) from it successes, actually they contribute to the over-inflated egos and salaries of these very same organizations.

Fuck scientology and ganging up on tom cruise, sports teams are the new fucked up adoration we need to scrutinize.

We basically pay them a masochistic membership fee (especially if you love hockey and lived in montreal the last ten years like myself), where we go through ups and downs, due to other people’s constant failures and keep on asking for more. I am sure there’s some sort of board meeting where sports teams measure disposable income of fanatic fans, as opposed to salary expenditure and the overall success tightly correlated to it and go:
-"well those who like us, like us a lot. So they’ll pay whatever no matter what, and I guess we can give those on the fence a little something to follow/hope about… so let’s just spend enough and only make the needed effort to be competitive and tease our fans, rather than take the steps to be truly successful … that way we're all winners!"

JUST NOT.

Sports teams are brands too. there's a wide variety, they communicate and fight for attention, most of all, they mean something.

Overall, when speaking of brands, especially consumer goods, with equivalent cses of extreme brand loyalty you ask yourself: what has that brand done so well that people live by it?

The magic that is the 4P’s

I pretty much peaked at the French baccaluareat, and my grade there, if translated literally, was “good enough”, so you can imagine the spectacle that was my undergrad. One thing I did grasp there though was the 4 P’s.

Fucking 4’s P’s. (a great concept, don’t get me wrong….but did they really feel they had to continue with the 9 m’s or 6 r’s or whatever other marketing mumbo jumbo crap followed?) such a beautiful little concept.

Price
Promotion
Place
Product

Ok so let’s break down this obsession thing starting with the 4 p’s.

First. Let’s meet the mac-fanatic to be.

This dude wears jeans he “ doesn’t care about” (180$ pair) and a t-shirt (vintage baby…from a specialized yuppy boutique in the middle of the oh-so trendy area where he has a loft… but the attempt at originality is there! So extra points.), a pair of carefully picked-out sneakers (new balance or retro addidas for sure – a must-have in the arsenal of every uber-cooler (yeah I invented that word and will charge royalties should you choose to use it, which you shouldn’t because it’s just my lame attempt at being one of those sweet marketing guys who’s always got a term for the hot new niche/area/thing to do….ironically the same guy we’re talking about right now, just in his clark kent outfit for 9 to 5’s when he uses a PC, because Microsoft has got a pretty good thing going with its office suite.) and a messy unshaven look that’s so grimy, it’s kinda cool.

Weirdly enough, if you met me you would realize I am the guy mentioned above just much worse. so the sarcasm above was kind.

This guy is so in the know that he listens to bands that don’t even exist yet (a quote I can’t take credit for… I saw it on a t-shirt at threadless.com. also a hip joint with uber-coolers© - oh my god this term is gaining some traction…it might be worth money after all! You use, you pay mofo), probably named the (place random noun here), a rip off of coldplay, and therefore oasis, all loosely based on the beatles.

To show off this unique personality/cultural knowledge/uber-coolness (3-0 for me vs. the haters), you can’t be rocking a big black thinkpad (that carefully crafted megadiss was thought up before the new super sleak version that’s as thin as the macbook air but has got-it-all, came out) that all the squares from the finance department use, when downloading the new iTunes editor’s choice (because that’s basically how they get the cool stuff “noone has ever heard of”… keep in mind itunes has like 500 million accounts open, so how trendy are they really?) at the corner starbucks while sippin on the cool coffee of the day.

So he got himself a mac.

That’s what the creative-types roll with.

They’re sleek and cool, and offer the support/community/weight of the big bad giant Microsoft all while making you feel like you’re stickin’ it to the MAN.

You get to be part of a select 10% (which by the way should be the golden number to classify all sizeable niches worth recognizing – see left handers, gays and Christians, just jokes my lebo friends) – ok 12% (watch my apple shares sky rocket bitches), of the computer-using world, that doesn’t have a right click (save yourself the time to write hate mail back to this, your boy is typin this out on a macbook pro, so I KNOW there are many solutions for that, but I’m tryin to keep up my front of sarcastic smart guy here so shhh), but is the weapon of choice for the girl from the sex in the city (I KNOW her name, but again, cool disinterested guy front here!) and jay z (apparently a recurring role-model on my blog! * maybe I think I’m black?*).

Apple’s careful positioning, something they contribute to with their every move from product design, product placement, functionality to store location decisions, is what you’re buying (into) there.

The purchase has gone past the product itself to what it’s overall aura can do for you.
Apple allows you to be the cool looking douche in the coffee shop, with white earphones who just seems up with whats cool.

That’s postioning backed by promotion. Based on a solid product. With good distribution.

The P least worth mentioning here is definitely price.
Because who really wants to manage a brand based solely on price sensitivity?

apple's story would play out like this:
Douchebag 1: “ yo bro did u hear the macbook air went up 20 bucks yesterday?”
Douchebag 2: “for realzees? Guess I got to switch back to being a square 24/7… that apple shit totally moved outside my budget and I got to change my entire image because of those 20$”
Douchebag 1: “looks like you wont be coming to the death cab for cutie concert/poetry reading/bmw showroom with us…”
Douchebag 2: “I guess not. I’m just not cool anymore. Looks like it’s back to leona lewis and all american rejects for me… I can’t afford the REAL emo shit anymore”
Douchebag 1: “you suck”

that's SKU management...nothing to do with brand building...

Not to say that everyone should follow the dubai model and want to build THE most luxurious 5 star hotel, because of the prestige you get. You can’t forget the little guy, who yes, will respond to price changes (see the rest of the world apart for the middle east at the moment, with the oil price crisis), but at the end of the day you want to have a message and power that is stronger than shifts in pricing.

It may sound cruel (well not so much because of the typical guy I am picturing when telling this story), but you’d hope douchebag 2 would make cut backs everywhere else to accommodate the price hike in your product, because he is just that sold to it. (uh oh was what I just said politically incorrect? Are the hippies gonna backlash?)

Because, as per the caricature above, your product allowed him to be who he was. So in exchange for serving in his arsenal of defining brands, he defends you with his pride.

each brand cannot be THAT brand for everyone. perhaps, with focused positioning based on solid insight and a realistic opinion of where your brand really stands, we can make ourselves deeply relevant to a sizable niche. brands should focus on delivering what they promise, allowing their carefully selected users to feel proud and attached to them, making the brand indispensable and nearly immune to that evil "price" P.

excuse me i have a death cab for cutie concert/poetry reading/bmw showroom to visit

how Burberry's became hot again - Part 3

2008-08-01T14:55:00.002+04:00

So what now?

What can we do moving forward? Can hip hop and the ensuing street culture, being the engine behind pop culture nowadays, carry brands and images with enough tact to not harm them?

Rap is apparently in a new 3-year cycle, with name-dropping on the decline, and an overall smarter image being projected as the future. Could this be the time, to follow the “Manifesto XO” example and embrace rap stars as brand ambassadors? (Hopefully some big wig …read: douche, at Cristal is reading this right now having a fucking epiphany realizing he offended the wrong guy/group/global movement, when he and his “Maison de Champagne” chose to openly dissociate themselves with rap and fall off the face of the planet).

Pharrell is the face of LV, Kanye is designing a line of shoes for them… and the brand has never been so popular over so many demographics.

There really only is one way to truly find out…

Note the faithful: don’t you worry peoples, I am sure the likes of “CHAmillionaire” will keep on dropping thinkbombs like “you look better from behind” no matter how intense the sobering up of rap, so art is still not dead!

What can be learnt for all brand managers

• The real money is to be made with the masses. Why not give them a carrot they can at least dream about catching? (See Porsche Boxter, Jaguar X-type, Armani Exchange …)
• A young team makes for a young brand. Don’t be afraid to get fresh blood on board to manage. And young means desirable (hold the American Beauty visuals, that shit’s fucked up) nowadays.
• An open mind to new and different forms of communication leads to innovative and ultimately relevant paths to consumers
• Letting a brand grow in society as an entity of its own, at the risk of becoming more relevant may be high risk, but the rewards can be huge.. Just like a real person: nurture your brand, teach it everything you know and give it life lessons for the future, watch it go through identity crises until it finds itself and then watch it walk off into the world to fend for itself.
• The trick is to leverage brand heritage, all while proving relevancy to the young of today through brand ambassadors whose own credibility is large enough to spill-over onto the brand in calculated instances of prosperity, where they can clearly be seen/adored.

Looks like rappers have understood, with each of them starting their own clothing lines, some like P. Diddy become the CMO of a vodka brand, while some go straight out and open their own agencies, openly flaunting the firm grasp they have over their loyal fans and imitators.

Jay Z may have said it best:

“I’m not a businessman,

I’m a business…man.”

how Burberry's became hot again - Part 2

2008-08-01T14:45:00.003+04:00

Street Culture as risky proposition

So luxury brands have become objectives, stuff of obsession and adoration.

Marketing managers for all these high end brands should be ecstatic right?

Not so much.
Actually, in burberry’s own backyard, the repercussions of its own popularity (trust me there’s a pun there) have been tremendous.

As much as it has helped to have the likes of a Foxy Brown mention your name in her songs on one side of the Atlantic, it has been quite the scandal to see hooligans using your most valuable asset, the Burberry plaid ® (yah that’s right, patented since 1920 beotch), as their uniform when carrying out some of the most ridiculously embarrassing acts ever witnessed (does the outcome of a football match really make you wanna set shit on fire?).

Chavs, as English hooligans are so kindly called, are the equivalent of Racailles in France, who ironically are taking their own local brands le Coq Sportif and Lacoste down this same roller coaster. Basically, this European version of white trash, brought up in low income housing social projects, have started a movement, where they to take out their frustration at structure, government, wealth and anything else they don’t like (read: want for themselves), on the innocent by breaking their durables or bones.

So, the street culture that made Jay Z, Kanye West and Busta Rhymes so credible as voices for the African American’s struggle, and therefore the ultimate brand ambassador for mass appeal currently, is the reason why Burberry’s and Lacoste are taking a beating on their home court. Britain’s Jay-Z equivalent is somewhere right now setting someone’s car on fire, just because. Both are draped in brands they adore, that should have made them feel like the shiny plastic people mentioned in episode 1, but as they and we quickly realize: it’s just a piece of cloth… and they’re still frustrated because the people at the House of Burberry forgot to send the magic prosperity potion with the t-shirt!

It came to a point where Burberry’s discontinued its plaid-covered ball cap (some might say its not such a big loss, considering how gaudy that thing really was but 1- I live in the middle east and that shit is cool here 2- what a testament to just how bad these guys are making you look, when they dictate what you do and don’t produce). Burberry’s had to come out with a press release and say they do not endorse underground cultures, naming the Chav movement SPECIFICALLY, to clearly dissociate themselves from it! Typically, a PR statement is written vaguely enough to not offend anyone, but you KNOW it’s a big deal when they have to single you out and say: “we don’t want to be seen near you!”.

But you must be telling yourself, being a loyal TMZ, Perez Hilton or Entertainment Tonight (old schoooooooooool) fan, that all press is good press right (cue flash backs of Wynona Ryder, someone I personally find so hot that she doesn’t need a scandal to draw attention to herself, not to mention how many millions of dollars she must have amassaed by then, SHOPLIFTING…wtf)?

Not really.

Burberry’s became the uniform for hooligans. Pubs and clubs wouldn’t let you in at a certain point! (Imagine the confused look on the faces of random Habibi tourists trying to get into a London club, plastered in Burberry’s as per usual, not understanding why the white man didn’t want his petro-dollars back!).

So, just to tabulate, Burberry’s awareness, was at an all time high; did UK sales reflect it? Not so much. These guys were stocking up on counterfeits AND killing the brand image! This is no longer about 2 birds with one stone, more like a shotgun killing several long-standing entities in one massive blow!

In the Chavs’ defence, they did pick Burberry’s (and the same goes for le Coq Sportif and Lacoste in France), a local brand, as their uniform. There has got to be some patriotism in there somewhere! But you don’t get a good looking bottom line for having taken patriotism to the next level. You DO however end up in deep shit if you alienate the few customers you did have before by taking on (without your consent obviously) this new undesirable group that you don’t want either. At this point your brand identity is lost between two shitty options and is as good as dead. Your entire heritage, from when Thomas Burberry invented gabardine -the thin yet waterproof material which the signature Burberry trenchcoats (oh my god the association with war just dawned on me right there…huh) are made of, is now worthless because of a pack of trouble makers at some football match.

So, judging by the PR beating the brand got, illustrated by the above, you’d think Burberry’s would be in the crapper huh?
Nope.
The “MTV-effect” saved it. (in part, but let’s give them some credit!)

The effect, and reach of top 20 rap music pushed through different mediums, coupled with the restructuring and revitalization at Burberry’s led to growing profits ever since the IPO (perhaps strategically), timed right after the turnaround.

It must be noted though that it is the success of the Burberry prêt-a-porter (i.e. cheaper and more available) line that has allowed them to not only delve in haute couture, but become a publicly traded company. The popularity of this line obviously was fueled by middle class purchases, themselves brought on by the overall favorable image of the brand in mass media, governed today by hip hop stars and their followers.

how Burberry's became hot again - Part 1

2008-07-31T18:03:00.004+04:00

Burberry re-invented

Burberry’s used to dress the Queen. And it seemed like they dressed no one but the Queen. So how is it today everyone and their dog crave to be plastered in the now so-hot and so-famous signature Plaid?

Burberry’s 2001 re-invention is frequently mentioned in fashion and business circles, as one of the most radical and impactful repositionings in recent memory.

So as brand managers, guardians and fans, we ask ourselves: what did they do?

First, the change came from within.
Burberry’s brought in their first non-Britt CEO -a woman (don’t get me started about this, women CEOs are news to me too…) named Rose Marie Bravo, and a new creative director from Gucci named Christopher Bailey.

Their first move?
Make a plaid bikini and put it on Kate Moss.
That’s 200 years of heritage, from dressing the Queen, to being the trenchcoat for the British Army in WW2 (ironically Hugo Boss dressed the Nazis, but that’s a whole other type of competition between brands… too soon to make WW2 jokes?), slapped onto a bikini.

Was this a way to make Burberry’s sexy? More adaptable to jet setter lifestyles? More modern? Or a mockery of the old-money image it used to have?

You can look at it any way you like, but it made them hot.
Real hot.
Just ask Jay-Z and Beyonce (arguably the pop-culture-couple-to-stare-at at the time), with their hit single of the year “Bonnie and Clyde 2”:

I keep you workin that Hermes Birkin Bag.

Manolo Blahnik Timbs, aviator lens 600 drops, Mercedes Benz

The only time you wear Burberry to swim

And i don't have to worry, only worry is him

She do anything necessary for him, and i do anything necessary for her,

In that one line, Burberry’s gets an endorsement and visibility to die for (albeit right beside other brands from the above premium segment, possibly representing the same thought. But the mention is there, which leads to awareness if not simply intrigue), and Jay-Z keeps up the image as to how he’s so rich that his girlfriend wears the Queen’s threads to the pool.
OUCH.
That’s rich. (Cue the admiration of many and the envy of millions. Result? Burberry’s plaid is the new black! … no racism there I swear)

Hip Hop as trend setter
(one of the many factors that lead to the re-invention )

Judging by the impact on popularity, credibility and sales deriving from the afore mentioned, one would think that hip hop artists are paid to name-drop random products in their catchy songs.

Otherwise, why would someone who apparently grew up in the toughest of neighborhoods write a whole song about a liquor made by some of the most pompous human beings on the planet? (Please see Busta Rhymes’ top ten hit: pass the Courvoisier…pronounced “cuh-vah-ssss-i-yey” obviously)

In fact, there are two routes to brand ambassadorship in the hip hop world.

1-The artist gets an endorsement (see Eminem with Nike Jordan, LL Cool J with Fubu and Run DMC, albeit after earning it by showing their power over a stadium full of devoted fans in front of brand reps, with Adidas).
2-The artist drops the brand’s name in his/her song hoping to convey his/her intended message/image all while also hoping to get retro-endorsed (a la Foxy Brown with Burberry’s, but that never worked out).

As you can see, one comes with the brand’s approval, and the other does not. The second obviously carries the highest risk, but also the highest reward (considering the ROI is all gravy because as a marketing manager, the mention of your brand name over international airwaves a couple of times a day to the most influenceable demographic on the planet didn’t cost you a dime).

Classical endorsement (example 1) is a really simple concept, so let’s leave it aside and try to understand the second phenomenon:

Brands, along the road of their personification and integration into society as legitimate beings who are born, grow up and die, just like the rest of us, have become badges of the people who they are created for. Each one means something and speaks for you.

Here’s an example:

You (the average white guy) want to buy a polo.
You walk into a store and you have got 2 options: Lacoste or Ralph Lauren (assuming prices, colors and sizes remain equal… a sort of Harvey Nichols’ ceteris paribus dilemma).
Now the real decision, probably the one you have made and been making since way before you walked into the store: are you a Lacoste guy or a Ralph Lauren guy?

Now, to the more square of individuals this debate may never become the existential crisis that it often proves to be and has become. But how many people who do not care about style are left on this planet with the rise of metro-sexuality and the mainstreaming of customization?

Even those who decide to be cool and not care fall into a category! We are all a “type”. A type for which a specific marketing/communication strategy must be crafted. Because people who “don’t give a shit about what they wear” need to buy their stuff somewhere! And there must be more than one store pushing “blah” as a product, so those guys need to fight to be heard as well (you hippies need the capitalists too).

SO back to the question at hand, are you the tennis-playing, sweater wrapped around your shoulders, investment banker who has got all the top golf gear, with an apartment in the city and cottage for the summers, kind of guy (this would be the perfect time to refer to “le blond” made famous by Gad el Maleh in his stand up comedy. If you have not seen it just drop this report and go find it. This paper will always be here but your life will never be the same without giving Gad and his antics some love.)

OR

Are you the all-American, Hamptons rocking, perfect tan, I go to an Ivy league school and don’t need to behave (cue the gossip girl/OC/90210 snap shots) because I OWN you, kind of guy?

This purchase could potentially decide everything from how the saleslady (pardon the rampant sexism since the beginning of this “study” in consumer culture, but I just might be venting my own brand-choosing dilemmas here… so bear with me) looks at you, the friends you have, will keep and will make all ultimately leading your place in society/the universe!

All at the low cost of 80$.
To think, that all these existential issues and questions I dwelled over as a teen could have been solved with the strategic purchase of a piece of clothing! Had I known I could have bought my place in society, I would have spent less money on porn and other frivolous things, and would have invested in my first and only priority: yours truly (not that naked ladies aren’t cool…they rock).

But the earth-shattering decisions are far from over; we just noticed the shoe section of the store.

The roller coaster goes for another round: how can I choose a unique pair of shoes (that all the cool kids have/want/will envy me over) or kicks as they are called nowadays?

Ironically, the crossroad met by our white friend mentioned above, is a whole other ball game for the urban youngster we are about to meet.

This guy is so close (read: exposed) to it he can smell it. He sees the good life, his goal, right in front of him. Day in and day out.
They look so happy and prosperous. He wants it. He wants THAT.
Heck I want it, judging by the pretty pictures (and by pictures I mean ads) streaming through my mind as I write this.

After some further exposure (read: taunting and teasing), we register in our minds their white smiles of perfection, and also notice a recurring type of joy/prosperity uniform.

So (and Pavlov would be extra proud at this point) I, and the majority of media-exposed consumers across the globe, stupidly make the link between smiles and brands, and assume that those brands come with an extra potion of success.

So brands become metaphors.

We don’t want to celebrate. We want(ed… will explain further on) to pop Criss (Cristal, the haut-living champagne made famous by the likes of Jay Z, without an official endorsement deal might I add!) … because that’s when you know you’re doin’ it right.

We don’t pick you up in our cars on our first date. We pick you up in our Benzino (a slang term for Mercedes Benz, obviously an S class, because C classes are for girls. Once again, please excuse the sexism/elitism/all around political incorrectness , but I was brought up by MTV), because that’s how real “playaz” do it (that’s no lie, masters of the English language such as Ja Rule, Fabolous (no typo there thank you very much) et al. have confirmed the point time and time again).

Trends are always set by those with the least to lose. Those who can risk to look ridiculous doing or wearing something new, for whatever reason it may be -most of the time to stand out with out having to go out and purchase originality. How ironic, since their non-conformist and anti-consumerist actions will lead to a an evolution and subsequent rise in popularity pushed by the very forces they look to fight against, with the result being the hot new item you just have to buy to be “in”.

It is for the above reasons that hip hop, now at the head of pop culture (to the point that our parents have had to learn that a pimp is no longer a person who beats and rents out prostitutes, but could be their own son on a night when he has cleaned his car and himself up to take a nice girl out for dinner!), is strategically positioned to propel premium brands to a level of popularity that normal marketing budgets could only dream of.

But there’s a downside, and we’ll explain ...

how Burberry's became hot again - Preface

2008-07-31T17:39:00.003+04:00

so this was supposed to be a case study , and turned into this...

much longer, but much more fun to write...

it's the reason why i decided to blog

yallah

Snicker's is an asshole (just like Eddie Murphy would say it in RAW)

2008-07-29T19:06:00.008+04:00

Snickers just came out with this new ad in the UK where Mr. T catches a speedwalker, doing something not manly (namely the awkward-looking sport that is speed walking, but who am i to judge? i put the bad - michael jackson version of the term thank you, in badminton) and terrorizes him into running like a real man, ending with the tag line : get some nuts.

i chuckled.

so this ad is cool because:

Mr. T makes a triumphant entrance... and, it's just good to see he's alive and doing well... (still riding on that one role are we?)
They pick on speedwalkers, and no one likes them, so it's all good
Snickers comes off as the cool-guy-bad-ass brand
We understand the benefit of having a Snicker's bar... it has nuts in it! (also, on a whole other deeper level: it helps you run, taking from their last campaign, when our world was run by those Atkins and no-carb-diet-obsessed fools, as an energy bar. how tactful and probably coincidental of them. but extra points.)

so what's the beef?

apparently the gays don't like it. they find it offensive.

wtf?

who spoke to the gays?

Mr. T never said : yo i pity you fool because you're into other dudes, and here's a chocolate bar to straighten you out (pulling up a chart showing the correlation of snickers bars consumed to female conquests - duh!)

Mr. T did say: "run like a real man"

so, as a homosexual man, this offends you because you don't consider yourself to be a real man?

that's your problem.

most of us think you're just like the rest of us, and you do whatever you want in your personal life. cuz its yours.

one thing i don't get is that the gay community has its own olympics...what's up with that? you want to be recognized and welcomed into society but you throw your own versions of what could be one of the most unifying events our civilization takes part in (pending NBC's Beijing Olympic ratings of course)?

as if the blacks threw their own competitions (Dirk Nowitzki helps me by saving the NBA from being a comeback someone could have used on me there...), or arabs threw their own exclusive parties (thanks nigeria for saving my ass there on OPEC).... the list of culturally-open groups goes on

everyone else seems to be sharing

i do see how the ad could have some flavor of gay-bashing drive-byes (those are barbaric. do people still do those or are they like soooo KKK and out of style just like wearing all-white?...), but didn't u sense the ridicule of it all (the presence of Mr. T's character is a dead giveaway)?

what i think is funny in this ad is that Mr. T is being his old self trying to rock out in the most serene and mundane of situations (ah, the white man's workout, nothing like the brown man's nap time...but close).

the joke's on him. he's the overly macho (yet wears so much gold, and has got lots of rings...hmmm - what a study in contradictions this Mr. T), washed-up action star, with one line as his claim to fame, trying to lay down his ideals on some unsuspecting average joe.

i'm kind of sick of people ganging up on brands and their communication for the sake of speaking their piece, reminding people they exist or just generally keeping people in check.

Snicker's doesn't aim to be Big Bird, Mr. Rogers or Mickey Mouse, they are no mr. nice guy, they want to be the bad ass, the 14 year old who does some extreme sport that chubby people like me watch highlights of on youtube when they break their bones trying to grind some railing in a mall, with their friends filming, expecting some spectacular crash.

so let them act dumb, and maybe a little politically incorrect. because, believe it or not, some people still like it raw, and want the brands they invest in (not buy... because we put too much thought into it these days for it to simply be called a purchase), to be a reflection of themselves.

political correctness is for the politicians. those who need everyone's vote. not those trying to be somebody that they and their fans can be proud of...

let's not handcuff the ad/marketing/business/entire world with the fear of a thrashing from one of these groups (apparently only put on earth to serve as watch dogs, therefore bringing nothing but censorship and the need for more of the same type of group for the new marginalized communities they create with their bull shit). only neighbors that don't trust each other need watch dogs

as a community in limbo worldwide, the gay community seems to be going through an identity crisis where they want traditional things like marriage but are on edge about everything that is or might be directed at them, because they still see themselves as different... maybe chilling out would prove that they are comfortable with who they are (perceived to be), here to stay and should be taken seriously ...

but that's a whole other issue, that a guy like Snicker's shouldn't have to deal with

it's the speedwalkers that should be angry. but they suck anyways. so all is well in the world if you ask me.

Open for business!

2008-07-28T19:42:00.002+04:00

So let's explain what this blog aims to be (you know you're a geek when you begin things you do in your spare time with a mission statement also...what's next? a status report email with timelines?):

a place to explore what brands do, could do and should do (?... in my opinion at least)
a playground for the may voices obviously living in my head
a showcase of my disregard for structure in the english language

ok.

let's go.